Is It Season Six Yet?
by Miss Pataki
Summary: Episode #3: Nobody wants to be lonely. It seems that Kevin turns to diet soda when he misses Brittany and Jane gets the kitten from hell. And what about Brittany's teacher with "busy hands?"
1. Two Chicks and an Apartment

"Is it Season Six Yet?" by Miss Pataki

Episode One: Two Chicks and an Apartment

A/N: Hey all!  I've never written Daria fan fiction, however, I often write song fics for Hey Arnold!  Since this is new to me, don't expect greatness.  I'd appreciate it if you reviewed me and told me what was wrong, what was right, etc.  Be forewarned: I'm a HUGE Jane/Tom shipper, so there will be some of that later on, as well as some Daria/Trent shipperness.  Also, I wrote this before I saw "Pierce Me", so Jasmine's obviously quite different.  Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Daria is owned by MTV and Viacom.  Noggin has syndication rights…I think.  Thanks to Ms. Eichler for creating such a great show!

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**Daria**

In

**"Two Chicks and an Apartment"**

SCENE ONE

EXT: The Morgendorffer house on a bright, sunny, late summer day.

(The SUV is parked outside and we can hear Helen talking on the phone, presumably to Eric.)

Helen: (VO) Eric, I'm a lawyer, not a babysitter.

INT: Living room.

(Helen is pacing behind the couch.  Jake sits on the couch reading the business section of the paper.  Daria is seated in the right chair looking through the arts section.)

Helen:  Look, I have a lot on my plate at the moment.  Jake and I have to make sure Daria's packed and ready so we can ship her off to Raft.

(Jake looks up from his paper and gives Helen his puppy dog look.)

Jake: Dammit, Helen!  I hate moving heavy boxes!

Daria:  Well, there goes your lifelong dream of being a repo man.

Helen:  Hold on, Eric.

(She covers the phone with her hand.)

Helen: (to Jake) Then why don't you hire someone?

Jake: (whiny) But those guys are so lazy!

Daria:  Plus, they all shop at the same place.

(In the background, Quinn comes down the stairs.)

Jake:  Where's that?

Daria:  The Gap.

Quinn: (approaching them) Ew!  That sorry excuse for a store!  Everything there is soooooo outdated.  I mean, cargo pants?

(She shudders.)

Helen: (into the phone) I don't care if you need someone to show your niece around Lawndale.  I'm tied up and that's that.

(A beat.  Her eyes light up.  Eric's obviously mentioned a raise.)

Helen:  Well, what I meant to say was I, myself, am tied up but I know someone who can.

(She places her hand over the phone again.)

Helen: Daria, I need a favor.

(Daria pulls back her sleeve and looks at her bare wrist.)

Daria:  Gee, would you look at the time.  I'm late for a manicure at Nail It Down.

Quinn:  Finally!  I mean, no offense, Daria, but lately your nails have been screaming 'boring.'

Daria:  Huh.  I thought it was…oh, ever since I can remember.

(Helen sighs and turns to Quinn.)

Helen:  Say, Quinn?  What would you really, really like?

(Quinn looks thoughtful for a moment.)

Quinn:  Hm…Heath Ledger?  He was really hot in that one movie about that one guy.

Helen:  How about a new backpack?

Quinn:  Mother, everyone knows a backpack is only as good as the clothing it accents.

Helen:  And a new tee shirt?

Quinn:  Okay!

Helen: Great.  (Into the phone) Eric, my younger daughter, Quinn, would be delighted to show Jasmine around.

(A beat.)

Helen:  No, not the one who told you lawyers were as crooked as the branches of government…Okay.  Lawndale Mall at one?  In front of Junior 5?  Great!  Bye.

(She hangs up the phone.)

Helen: Now, Quinn, your father will give you a ride down to the mall later.

Jake:  Can I take the SUV?

Helen: Sure.

(The camera focuses on Jake as he drums his fingers together ala Mr. Burns in the Simpsons.)

Jake: (Menacingly) Finally!  A position of power for old Jakey!  Today, the SUV.  Tomorrow, the world!

(He cackles hysterically as red flames appear around him.  He stops after a few moments.  The flames disappear when he notices everyone staring at him.  He cowers a bit and goes back to reading the paper.)

Helen:  Whatever.  Daria, I'll help you pack for a while, but I've got an important meeting soon, so you'll be on your own for most of the time.  Is that okay?

Daria:  Actually, I already packed.

Helen: (disbelieving) Everything?

Daria:  Well, there's still the matter of that margarita mix and 12-calibur shotgun.

(Helen rolls her eyes as Daria gets up and heads for the door.)

Helen: So what do you plan on doing?

Daria:  That's for me to know and the president to guard with his life.

(She opens the door and exits.)

Jake:  Wow.

(Helen just rolls her eyes.)

SCENE TWO

EXT: Casa Lane.  

(Daria stands at the door and rings the bell.  Within a few moments, Jane answers.)

Jane:  Hey there, Morgendorffer.

(Daria places her hands on her hips.)

Daria:  You said you'd stop calling me that.

Jane:  Okay, okay.

(She raises her left hand and places her right hand over her heart.)

Jane:  I, Jane Lane, from this moment do solemnly swear to discontinue calling Daria 'Morgendorffer'…

(Daria smirks.)

Jane:  Except on Tuesdays and bank holidays.

Daria: (crossing her arms) Hey.

Jane:  I kid, I kid.  Fine, only when Quinn's friends are around.

Daria:  That's better.  Anyway, I came over to ask if you wanted to go out for pizza.  It'll probably be our last for a while.

(Jane rubs the back of her neck, obviously uncomfortable and with something on her mind.)

Jane:  Uh…sure.  (Grinning) But only if you buy.

Daria:  Of course.  I'm not THAT cheap.

Jane:  Good.  'Cos I want double layer stuffed crust with all the trimmings.

Daria: (smirking) Damn you.

SCENE THREE

EXT: Pizza King.

(A sign taped lopsided to the window reads "Mystik Spiral at the Glamour Club.")

INT: Pizza King.

(Daria and Jane are seated in their usual booth, finishing off half the afore mentioned pizza as Avril Lavigne's "Sk8er Boi" plays.  Daria sips her soda as Jane finishes a slice.)

Jane:  Best sixteen dollars I never spent.

Daria:  Yeah.  The impeccable taste makes you temporarily forget the vast quantities of burning grease destroying your digestive system.

Jane:  You always manage to see the lighter side of life, don't you, Daria?

Daria:  There's a lighter side?

(A beat.  Jane helps herself to another slice of pizza.)

Daria: (Honest) It's hard to believe I'll be in Boston in a few days.

Jane:  It feels like we were sprawled out on the couch watching "When Plastic Surgery Fails" just yesterday.

Daria:  That was just yesterday.  (A bt.)  You'll come visit me at Raft before your term starts up, right?

Jane:  Actually…I was thinking of coming up for the fall.

Daria:  But I thought you applied too late.

Jane:  I wouldn't be going to class, just painting.

Daria:  What's the difference?

Jane: (rolls her eyes) Believe it or not, I do have some good reasons for wanting to come up.

Daria: (raising an eyebrow) Such as?

Jane:  Let's face it.  My home life's not great.  Mom and Dad are always off somewhere doing their thing.  Trent's band is making me go deaf.  I need a nice, quiet place to work on my art.

Daria:  Maybe you should try living at my house.  The only noise there is Quinn always on the phone. 

(She folds down three fingers and puts her hand to her ear like she's talking on the phone.)

Daria: (imitating Quinn) Omigawd!  Did you hear about that sale at Cashman's?  Does purple eyeliner go with black mascara?  Do you think Chad likes me?

Jane:  That sounds worse than my situation.  Anyway, the major reason I want to come up to Boston is that I may have finally found a way to get myself known without copying Van Gough.  I posted some of my work up on the graveyard of "Jane Cam" and this gallery owner e-mailed me.  He wants me to send him my paintings so he can sell them in his shop.  It's pretty pricey to send big canvases over there, so I figured that since I'm heading there anyway, I may as well go now.

Daria:  Wow.  That's great.  But where are you gonna stay?  Do you have any relatives there?

Jane: (sipping on her orange soda) Nope.

Daria:  Friends?

Jane:  Yep.  You.

Daria:  Uh…Jane?  It's a small dorm.

Jane:  Well…

Daria: (interrupting her) I guess you could sleep in my room.

(Jane shudders.)

Jane:  Oooh…don't ever say that again.  Flashbacks of Alison.

Daria:  Sorry.  But what then?  It's not like they let students' friends sleep in the hallways.  That would be a traffic violation.

Jane:  Are you familiar with the word 'apartment?'

Daria:  A-P-A-R-T-M-E-N-T.  A large, luxurious one story "room" the Friends live, congregate and have sexual exploits in… (A bt.)  It might work.  Raft doesn't require you to live in a dorm.  But Mom'll need some convincing to let the cash flow.

Jane:  Just tell her it'll improve your social life.

Daria:  God, I'm not Quinn.

Jane:  Where is the little fashionista anyway?

SCENE FOUR

INT: Lawndale Mall.

(Quinn walks through the mall, followed closely by Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy as 3LW's "I Do (Wanna Get Close to You)" plays.)

Sandi:  So tell me again what exactly we're doing?

Quinn:  Showing some new girl what's what and where to shop.  You know, the basics.

Sandi:  And why?  Honestly, Quinn: what's in it for us?

Tiffany:  Yeah.

Stacy:  I mean, what if she's a complete-

(She gulps and speaks in a low voice.)

Stacy: (con'd) geek.

Tiffany:  Ew.  Don't use that word.

Stacy:  Sorry.

Quinn:  Well, normally I wouldn't stoop so low and jeopardize my social ranking, but Mom offered me a new backpack.  I'm thinking of getting that new silver Kamsport.

(Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy stop right in their tracks.  Quinn walks on for a moment and then whirls around, confused.)

Quinn:  What?

Stacy:  Isn't that expensive?

Quinn:  Stacy, a couple hundred bucks won't hurt.  After all, a backpack is a fashion investment.

(A beat.)

Quinn:  But judging from your reaction, maybe I should get something else.

Sandi: (rushed) No!  It's just that…that was the very same backpack I'm getting.

Tiffany:  Me too.

Stacy:  Oh God.  I need one too!

(They continue walking and after a few moments, reach Junior 5.)

Quinn:  Hm…we're supposed to meet Jasmine here, but that can't be her.

(She points to a girl standing in front of the store.  The girl has auburn hair up in pigtails and freckles.  She's dressed in a purple long-sleeve top and green pants.  She wears thick-rimmed glasses.)

Girl: (facing them) Are you Quinn?

(They all gasp, horrified.)

Stacy:  Ew!  She is a geek!

Tiffany:  Stacy!

SCENE FIVE

(The camera is focused on the TV screen.)

SSW Announcer:  Does eating garbage give you superhuman strength?

(On screen, a bum in ragged clothing lifts a screaming man in a suit up into the air and throws him into traffic.  Cars screech to a halt.  The screen changes to the "Sick, Sad World" logo.)

SSW Announcer:  It's Superhobo, next on "Sick, Sad World"!

INT: Lane living room.

(Jane and Daria are seated on the couch.  Jane is typing on a laptop.)

Jane:  Hm…suspiciously nice New York apartment, one room Jersey studio…Aha!  Boston apartment!

Daria:  Click it.

Jane: (raising an eyebrow) Click it?

Daria:  You know, move that rolly-thing until the little white arrow is hovering over the link and then press down.

Jane:  No kidding.  I'm gonna have to try that.

(Trent walks into the room, rubbing his head.)

Trent:  Hey Jane.  Hey Daria.

Daria:  Hey Trent.

Jane: Trent, it's only five pm.  What are you doing up?

Trent:  Five pm?  I thought it was five in the morning.

Daria:  Nope.

Trent:  Whoa.  I'm up early.  I'm going back to bed.

Jane: (typing) Have fun.

(Trent just kind of waves sleepily and exits.)

Jane:  Another informative conversation with Trent Lane.

Daria:  So is this apartment within our price range or Bill Gates'?

Jane: (eyes focused on the screen) Ours.

Daria:  Really?

Jane:  You bet your life.  It's a virtual Boston apartment.

Daria:  What?

Jane:  It's some kind of online game.

(Camera focuses on the computer screen.  A girl with blonde hair stands in the middle of a spacious pixilated apartment.  Up in the left corner is the screen name "Plain_Jane_Lane18'.  A CGI man with red hair enters.)

Jane:  Oh, look.  It's our womanizing next door neighbor.

Daria:  You've got to be kidding me.

(Switches back to computer screen.  A word bubble pops up above the man's head saying, "What's a vision of loveliness like you, Lane, doing in a bachelorette's Boston apartment?"  Jane glances up at the guy's screen name.)

Jane: (disbelieving) 'Ruttheimer_69'!?  Dear God.

Daria:  Who would have guessed that Upchuck knew how to operate a computer?

(Jane begins furiously typing something in.  Daria's eyes go wide when she sees.)

Daria:  So much for the flashing "No Swearing" banner.

Jane:  I'm sure it's not profane on the planet he comes from.

Daria:  It's probably a turn-on.

(Both shudder at the thought.  Another word bubble pops up, this one reading, "Feisty.")

Jane:  I vote that we 'turn off' the computer.

Daria:  No recount suggested.

(She yanks the cord out of the computer and the screen goes black.)

Jane:  Phew.

Daria:  I think I've been scarred for three lifetimes.

Jane:  You can say that again.

Daria:  So just how do you expect to pay for this apartment?

Jane:  Well, believe it or not, but Mom actually managed to start a few accounts for me besides my college funds.  There's enough for a few months and the gallery gig should bring in some cash, but I'll probably get a job too, if only to fill in the vast bouts of boredom.

Daria:  Sounds like a plan.

Jane: (bored) Yep…

(They just sit there for a moment, bored to death.)

Daria:  Do you think the internet's safe yet?

Jane:  No, but we'll push Upchuck out, dammit!

(She flips the switch on the computer and watches it load.  She drums her fingers on it, waiting.  Daria gets an annoyed look on her face as the drumming continues for a few moments.)

Daria:  Jane.

Jane:  Sorry. (Cynical) I know how much you hate tedium.

Daria:  Or as the Pope would say, idle hands are the devil's playthings.

Jane:  Who came up with that sorry excuse for advice?

Daria:  Probably the same person who doesn't think Britney Spears videos are a form of cruel, slow torture.

Jane:  Here we go!  Now, where should we look?

Daria:  Um.

Jane:  Remember, we have the whole internet.  Right here.  At this moment.

Daria:  Why don't you check some of the classifieds in Boston newspapers?

Jane:  Where do you come up with such propositions?

Daria:  It's elementary, dear Lane.  Newspapers are really just advertisements you pay for.  Thus, somewhere in them, there must be apartments for sale.

Jane:  A brilliant deduction, Sherlock. (Typing) Okay, classifieds for the Boston Star.  I was thinking a two room apartment with a kitchen and a bathroom.

Daria:  No kidding.

Jane:  Uh…what is our price range?

Daria:  No idea.

Jane:  Well, it might help if we figure that out.

Daria:  Good point.  Should I call my mom and find out if it's even okay?

Jane:  I must have forgotten that part.  Yeah, go ahead.  Phone's in the kitchen.

SCENE SIX

INT: Helen's office.

(Helen's sitting at her desk, a bored look on her face.  Marianne's off somewhere and for once, her phone isn't ringing.  She sighs.)

Helen: Saturday afternoon and nothing to do…

(The phone rings.)

Helen: Finally!  (She answers it.)  Hello, Helen Morgendorffer.

(The screen splits so we can see both Helen in her office and Daria in the Lane's kitchen.)

Daria:  Um, hi, Mom.

Helen: (confused) Daria?  Is something wrong?

Daria:  No, I just need to talk to you about something.

Helen:  It's not Tom, is it?  Listen, honey, sometimes it's better if you just end things instead of drawing them out.

Daria:  It's not about a guy.  I was…I was wondering if maybe the whole dorm thing could be negotiated.

Helen:  I'm not following you.

(Daria sighs.)

Daria:  Well, Jane needs to move to Boston before her term starts up and she doesn't have anywhere to stay.  She suggested that we get an apartment together.  Uh…what do you think?

Helen:  Just how are you going to pay for this apartment?

Daria:  Jane has some money saved up for a few months and so do I.  She's getting money from selling her pictures in a gallery over there.  But she said she plans on getting another job.  And…I guess I probably will too.

Helen:  It certainly sounds like the two of you have everything planned out.  I'll have to talk to your father, but it's alright with me.

Daria: (disbelieving) Excuse me, but did you just say 'yes?'

Helen:  I did.

Daria:  Wow.  Maybe work is good for you.

(Helen smirks.)

Helen:  Actually, I'm bored out of my wits, something that doesn't happen often.  I guess idleness puts me in a good mood.

Daria:  Well, um…thanks, Mom.

Helen:  You're welcome.  (A bt.)  Daria?

Daria:  Yeah?

Helen:  Do you and Jane want to go out for dinner?  My treat.

Daria:  Actually, we just had pizza a while ago.

Helen:  Oh.  Well, do you want to come to my office to look for potential apartments?

Daria:  We have the Internet here, Mom.  But thanks.

(She hangs up.  The screen goes back to just Helen.)

Helen: (into the phone) How about a movie?

(She frowns and puts the phone back on the hook.)

Helen:  There must be something I can do for her…

SCENE SEVEN

INT: Lane living room.

(Daria re-enters.)

Daria:  Well, for some weird reason, Mom said it was okay.

Jane:  Are you sure it wasn't an alien pod person spitting nickels who just sounded like her?

Daria:  That's a definite yes.

Jane:  Well, it's official.  Jane and Daria are going to Boston.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCREEN: The fashion club gasps, horrified at Jasmine as 3LW's "I Do" plays.

"Next week on an all-new Daria, brought to you by Miss Pataki...Daria tries to adjust to life at Raft College while Quinn wonders what to do in place of the Fashion Club.  Quinn Morgendorffer…thespian?"

SCENE: A stuffy looking classroom.

(Daria stands up, looking embarrassed for once, among all the other students.)

Female teacher:  Miss Morgendorffer, perhaps you'd like to teach the class?

(Cuts to Quinn standing in front of some woodsy painted scenery.  She's reading from a piece of paper.)

Quinn: What's in a name?  That by which we call a rose would smell as sweet.

MITSUBISHI ECLIPSE: You know the one.  That infectious song, "Days Go By" by Dirty Vegas plays while the girl has her own mini-rave.  I dunno why but I love this commercial.

CORN POPS:  Forgive me, but I think it's really cute.  It's a lot better than those stupid Pop Tarts commercials.

CAPRI SUN, "DRAGONFRUIT": Because if it was normal, they wouldn't want it.  That's what my mom's Family Circle says.  Anyway, it really intrigues me.  

NOW, BACK TO DARIA

SCENE EIGHT

INT: Lawndale Mall food court.

(The ex-Fashion Club members, minus Quinn, are sitting on one side of the table.  Quinn and Jasmine are seated on the other side.  Stacy's got a smoothie and Jasmine's eating some fries.  Everyone but Quinn looks horrified.)

Sandi:  You're actually eating that?

Jasmine:  Yeah.  Do you want some?

Sandi:  No!  I mean, no thanks.  I had a salad a few hours ago.

Jasmine:  Suit yourself.

Tiffany:  Fries are like…ew.

Stacy:  I know!

Quinn: (chuckling nervously) You guys are so funny.  (Turning to Jasmine)  So, Jasmine, was there any specific place you wanted to go?

Jasmine:  Not really.  I figured you could show me what stores are in, which ones aren't.  Y'know, the basics.

(Sandi shoots Quinn a look.)

Quinn:  Um, sure…

Sandi:  Quinn, if you don't mind, I have an idea.

Quinn:  Uh…go ahead.

Sandi:  No offense, Jasmine, but you could really use a make-over.

(Jasmine's eyes light up.)

Jasmine:  A make-over?

Sandi:  Hair, clothes, make-up.  The works.  If you want to fit in at Lawndale, you'll have to dress like you're popular.  Otherwise, you could end up like Quinn's sis-

Quinn: Cousin.  My cousin, Daria.

Sandi:  I don't think I need to go into how many fashion rules she broke.

Tiffany:  She broke, like, all of them.

Stacy:  She even violated the eyelash rule!

Jasmine:  Gosh, I wouldn't want to be like that.

Sandi:  Exactly.  Which is why we're here to help you.

Jasmine:  Wow.  Thanks, you guys.  I didn't think I'd make any friends on my first day in Lawndale!

Sandi:  Right.  Friends…

Stacy:  Hey, maybe after the makeover, you could join the fashion club!  (Clamps a hand over her mouth) Oops!

Tiffany:  Stacy!

Sandi:  Pay no attention to Stacy.  She's not good at comprepension.

Quinn:  I think it's comprehension, Sandi.

Sandi:  Quinn, I think I know a little about volcabulary.

Quinn:  (grumbling) I'll say you know a little…

Sandi:  Did you say something, Quinn?

Quinn:  Me?  No.

Sandi:  That's what I thought.  Now, Tiffany, where do you suggest we go first: Cashman's or Junior 5?

Tiffany:  Let's go to Cashman's.

Stacy:  I heard they've got super low-riders for only nineteen-ninety five!

Sandi:  Well, Stacy, if they're selling for that low, maybe we shouldn't endanger our status by buying…sale items.

Stacy:  You're right.  I have so much to learn.

Quinn:  Cashman's probably a better bet, Sandi.  Everyone knows they get in the newest Waif styles before Junior 5.

Sandi:  Good point, Quinn.  Cashman's it is.

Jasmine:  Oh boy!  I'm going to Cashman's with cool girls!

Sandi: (condescending, waving her pointer finger in the air) Ah, ah, ah.  Not cool.  Popular.

Jasmine:  Popular.  Got it.  What did you say your name was?

Sandi:  I happen to be Sandi Griffin, president of the now defunct Fashion Club of Lawndale High.

Jasmine:  Wow.  You must be the most popular girl in school!

Sandi: (shooting Quinn a death glare) Yes, you would think so.

Stacy:  (jumping in) And I'm Stacy Rowe!

Jasmine:  Hi Stacy!  That is such a cute jacket!

Stacy:  Really?  I got it at Charlotte Russe.

Jasmine:  Who's Charlotte Russe?

(Stacy looks mortified.)

Stacy: (turning around) I think I'm gonna be sick…

(She puts a hand over her mouth and runs toward the bathroom.)

Tiffany:  Stacy…wait.

Jasmine:  You're Tiffany, right?

Tiffany:  Um, yeah.

Jasmine:  Cool.  That is such a great name!  Isn't Tiffany the name of that one chick in that one old movie?

Tiffany:  Uh…

Sandi:  We really should get going.  That sale's not going to last all day.

Quinn:  What about Stacy?

Sandi:  Oh, you can wait for her to finish puking, Quinn.  We'll meet you at Cashman's.

Quinn:  Um…okay.

(She watches the three girls head off towards Cashman's.)

Quinn: (muttering) Stupid Sandi…

(Camera zooms over to a close-up on Sandi's face.  As though she's heard, she frowns.  Camera changes back to Quinn, who's tapping her foot on the floor, waiting for Stacy.  Stacy finally comes out of the bathroom, looking a bit green but otherwise better.)

Quinn:  Feel better, Stacy?

Stacy:  Yeah.  Thanks for asking.

(She glances around and realizes everyone else has gone.)

Stacy: (freaked out) Oh God.  Where are they?

Quinn:  Relax, Stacy.  They just went to Cashman's.

Stacy:  And they left us here?  We're being shut out!

Quinn:  No, we're not.  Just calm down.  Want another smoothie?

Stacy:  Well, okay.  But only the one with the metabolizer powder in it.

SCENE NINE

EXT: Smooth Burn

(Quinn and Stacy walk away from the smoothie restaurant, each carrying a treat.)

Stacy:  We should probably go find them now, don't you think?

Quinn: (sipping her smoothie) What's the rush?  Sandi'll just decide everything as usual.

Stacy: (quietly) Yeah.

Quinn:  She really irritates me sometimes.  I mean, yeah, I wasn't really looking forward to helping Jasmine, but still.  She's my responsibility and Sandi's taking all the credit. (Angry) She always does that.  I do something and just who gets the glory?  Sandi!

Stacy:  But Quinn…

Quinn:  Yeah?

Stacy:  Didn't you invite her to come help you out?

(Quinn is silent.)

SCENE TEN

INT: Jane's room

(Jane is at her easel, painting as always, while Daria sits on the bed typing on the computer.  New Found Glory's "The Story So Far" plays.)

Daria:  Okay.  So we have it narrowed down to a few places.

Jane:  Yep.

Daria:  And miraculously, they're within our price range.

Jane:  There is a god.

Daria:  Don't get your hopes up.  Now, we just need to call the places up and explain that we're respectable eighteen-year-olds without jobs who want to rent a place we've never seen.

Jane:  You catch on fast, Daria.

Daria:  The more I think about this, the less sense it makes.

Jane:  Now you're thinking like a Lane.  

Daria:  You mean thinking like a Lane makes you not want to think?

Jane:  Exactly.  Look at Trent.

Daria:  Point taken.

Jane:  So, how about while you call the first place, I put the finishing touches on my first painting to be sold?

Daria:  You're mom doesn't mind if we rack up the long distance bill, right?

Jane:  Amanda?  She wouldn't mind if the room fell down around us.  Actually, I have a feeling she'd find it "enlightening."

Daria:  If you say so.

(She dials the first number.)

SCENE ELEVEN

INT: A neat, very white office.

(The desk is made of dark Mahogany and the woman sitting at it wears a clean, pressed blue suit.  She has short brown hair and looks like she's in her mid-thirties.  She picks up the ringing phone.)

Woman:  Hello, Sheltered Shrubs Apartments.  Lydia Maguire speaking.

(The screen splits again so we can see both Lydia and Daria.)

Daria:  Uh, hi.  I'm Daria Morgendorffer, calling on behalf of myself and Jane Lane.

Lydia:  What can I do for you, Ms. Morgendorffer?

Daria:  Well, I start this fall at Raft College and Jane starts later in the year at Boston Fine Arts College and we need somewhere to stay.  I saw your ad in the Boston Star and I wanted to inquire about the two-bedroom, one bath unit.

Lydia:  College students?  What year?

Daria:  We'll both be freshmen.

Lydia: (scoffing) And you expect me to just hand over an apartment to you?  I'm sorry, kid, but that is not the kind of conduct you will find at Sheltered Shrubs.

Daria:  Just because we're a little young doesn't mean we're irresponsible.  Jane happens to have a contract with a gallery owner who wants to sell her paintings.  It won't be long before she's an accomplished artist.

Lydia:  More likely a starving artist.

Daria: (Mad) Hey!  You have no right to treat us like this.  You don't even know us.

Lydia:  Maybe you should opt for a dorm instead, Daria.  An ignorant student like yourself isn't up for the challenge of maintaining an apartment.

Daria:  Yeah?  Well, maybe you should opt for pulling that stick out of your ass instead of treating potential tenants like crap!

(She slams down the phone and the screen reverts to Jane's room.)

Daria:  Some people are so stubborn.

Jane:  Well, I'm sure your prim and proper speech made her warm up to you even more.

Daria:  I know I can go a little overboard, but she deserved it.

Jane:  Why don't you try the next one?  At least that way you can get it off your mind.

Daria:  I never thought I'd say this, but…good idea.

Jane:  Yeah.  I'm good for those sometimes.

(Daria dials the next number.)

SCENE TWELVE

INT: The complete opposite of the first office.

(The desk is covered in stained pieces of paper.  The walls are gray, having been stripped of their even duller wallpaper.  A few half-full cups of coffee litter the desk.  Loud heavy rock music plays in the background.  A man who looks like he could be Axl's twin [complete with British accent] answers the phone.)

Man:  Yeah, this is Zak.  Whadda ya want?

(Split-screen again.)

Daria:  My name's Daria Morgendorffer and my friend and I are looking for an apartment.

Zak:  So why are you calling me?

Daria:  We saw your ad for a two bedroom studio in the Boston Star.

Zak:  What's it doing there?

Daria:  Um…

Zak:  God, no one in this whole bloody country can leave me alone.  First, Simone screams at me for screwing with her best friend.  Next, you call me demanding an apartment I don't have and now, I find out that there's an ad for the apartment in the paper.

Daria:  So there's no apartment?

Zak:  Where'd you get that idea?

Daria:  You just-

Zak:  I just what?  Tell me.

Daria:  I think I have the wrong number.

Zak:  This is Alicia, ain't it?  Look, I had fun at Nancy's party, but that was a one time banging job.

Daria:  I really have to go.

Zak:  Alicia, don't hang up on me!

Daria:  My name is not Alicia.  Do I sound like someone you'd be having sex with at a party?

Zak:  Wait…you're Georgia, aren't you?

Daria:  My name is not Simone, Alicia, Nancy or Georgia.  My name is Daria.  Dar-E-uh.  Get it?  I'm just trying to find a freakin' apartment.

Zak:  Whoa.  Sorry, Danielle.  Didn't mean to get you pissed.  Hey, are we still on for Saturday?

(Daria rolls her eyes and hangs up.)

Zak:  Danielle?  You there?  Oh, c'mon, baby…

(Cut back to Jane's room.)

Jane:  No luck?

Daria:  Do you ever have any when you talk to a guy who's slept with half the female population, really?

Jane:  Hm.  Maybe you're just not good at this talking to people thing.

Daria:  You think?

Jane:  Remember, I'm a Lane.  I don't think.  Thinking hurts.

Daria:  Are you sure you're not a Taylor?

(Jane grabs a lock of hair and twirls it on her finger.)

Jane: (Imitating Brittany) Hi Daria!  Are you having fun thinking about dead people and stuff?  Oh, Kevie, being a quarterback makes your muscles all big!

Daria:  Now, that was scary.

Jane:  Not nearly as scary as being conventional.

Daria:  I pray I'll never have to do that.

Jane:  You better.

Daria:  You know, maybe you'd be better at the whole calling thing than me.

Jane:  You're probably right.  It takes an outgoing, optimistic person like myself to get an apartment in this world.

Daria:  Just keep telling yourself that.

Jane: (rolls her eyes) Just gimme the phone.

SCENE THIRTEEN

MONTAGE to the A*Teens' "Can't Help Falling In Love" (You know, the annoying song from Lilo and Stitch).

(Stacy and Tiffany run up and down the racks at Cashman's, plucking off skirts, tops, pants and dresses.  They hand them all the Sandi who passes them to Jasmine, who reaches over the dressing room door for them.  Quinn sits by the dressing room, frowning.)

(First, Jasmine tries on a blue button-up short sleeved top with a short khaki skirt.  Sandi shakes her head.  It's too long.  Next is a pink top with blue hip huggers.  Quinn pouts a little at it and Stacy's lower lip trembles.  She wants the outfit.  Third, Jasmine tries on a green Honeymoon halter-style dress with pink hibiscus on it.  Everyone nods their approval.)

(Next up is shoes.  Jasmine [in her dress] squeezes her feet into a pair of black Daria and Jane combat boots.  Quinn goes white and everyone else frowns.  Second, she goes for a pair of pink Converse sneakers.  Tiffany shakes her head no.  Sneakers and dresses don't miss.  Then Stacy hands her a pair of strappy tan sandals.  Perfect!)

(Wearing both the dress and sandals, they head to "A Head Above the Rest" for a new hairstyle.  First, the stylist straightens Jasmine's hair.  Nope, too limp.  Next, she makes it nice and curly.  Stacy expresses her utter disgust.  Finally, the stylist presents Jasmine with platinum blonde hair and a style reminiscent of Charlie's Angels circa the 70's.  Tiffany gives her a thumbs-up.)

(They then head off to "Vanity Fair" for make-up.  Sandi applies some foundation that makes her a bit paler.  Tiffany adds some plum mascara and lilac eyeliner.  Next, Stacy applies a sugar pink blush.  Finally, Quinn steps in and puts some magenta lipstick.  The result is approved by all.)

END MONTAGE

SCENE FOURTEEN

EXT: Eye Can See Clearly

Sandi: (VO) This is it.

INT: Eye Can See Clearly

(Jasmine, all dolled up, sits in a chair, and twiddles her thumbs.  She's very nervous.  Tiffany, Stacy and Quinn stand behind her, solemn looks on their faces, save for Stacy who looks tense.  Sandi stands in front of them, looking placid.  She takes off Jasmine's glasses and places them on a nearby table.  She then takes a contact lens from a plastic container of the table and very carefully moves close to Jasmine.)

Stacy: (covering her eyes) I can't watch!

(The camera focuses on Stacy for a moment as she stands there, trembling.)

Sandi: There!

(Camera pans back to Jasmine who sits there, smiling brightly in her foofy new hair, powdery make-up, Hawaiian dress, strappy sandals and blue contacts.)

Tiffany:  Wow…

Stacy:  Omigod!  I can't believe you did it!

Quinn: (genuinely impressed) You've really outdone yourself this time, Sandi.

Sandi:  I know. 

(She holds up a mirror for Jasmine to see.  Jasmine gasps.)

Stacy: (freaked) Oh no!  She doesn't like it!  My reputation is ruined!

Jasmine:  I…I…

Quinn: (to Sandi) This is all your fault!  You and your stupid make-over!

Jasmine:  I don't know what to say…

Sandi: (to Quinn) My fault?  You're the one who invited me on this dumb mall trip!

(Just as the two are about to tear each other apart, Jasmine speaks.)

Jasmine: I love it!

Quinn:  What?

Sandi: What?

Tiffany:  Huh?

Stacy:  Omigod!

Jasmine:  I just said I love it.  I feel…pretty.  I've never felt pretty in my whole life!

(She hugs them.)

Jasmine:  Thank you!

Sandi: (surprised) I, uh…

Quinn:  No need to thank me.  It's what I do.

(Sandi scowls daggers at Quinn, who just smiles smugly back.)

SCENE FIFTEEN

INT: Jane's room, really late

(Daria walks in with two cans of soda.  Jane is on her bed, phone to her ear.  The clock says 1:30.)

Daria:  Jane, maybe we should just call the whole thing off.  I mean, who's up past one anyway?

(Jane sets the phone down.)

Jane: The same person who said she might give us an apartment.

Daria: (disbelieving) You're kidding, right?

Jane:  Nope.

Daria:  I really don't know what to say.

Jane:  Anything sarcastic.

Daria:  Could I say anything that wasn't?

(She hands Jane a soda.)

Jane:  Not to my knowledge.  But does it really matter?  I can go to Boston, paint and actually be on my own…kind of.  It's like everything I want rolled into one.

(Daria clears her throat.)

Jane: (smirking) You didn't expect me to add in the part of my freakin' friend Daria being there too, did you?

(Jane opens the soda and clinks it more or less with Daria's.)

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCREEN: Daria "converses" with Zak as "The Story So Far" plays.

NOW IN STORES: "BLUE CRUSH" SOUNDTRACK: I dunno why, but I'm a big soundtrack fan.  The music on this CD is very diverse and very summer-y.  Thus it earns an A in my book.  I keep hitting the skip back button on my WINAMP Player to listen to Lenny Kravitz's "If I Could Fall In Love."  I really like the song.  It combines rock and techno.  Look for it in "It's Been a Summer or Two", episode four of this series, along with some T/J shipperness… ;)

MAKING THE VIDEO:  "He was a boy.  She was a girl.  Can I make it anymore obvious?"  I admit it.  I loooooooooooooove Avril Lavigne and her new CD, _Let Go.  So naturally seeing how she made "Sk8er Boi" intrigues me.  I think the cutest part is when she's all punked out, looks into the camera and in this girly whispery voice says, "Oh my god.  I think I have a crush on him."_

THE START:  I know it's all music, but hey, music is one of my passions.  Anyway, if you haven't heard theSTART, go buy their CD, _Shakedown, right now!  They are one of my all-time favorite bands.  Their sound, according to seventeen, is a mixture of the Go Gos and Orgy.  However, I think they sound like new eighties music mixed with techno.  They are so awesome!  Go buy __Shakedown and their EP, __Death Via Satellite today!_

WE NOW RETURN TO DARIA…

SCENE SIXTEEN

INT: Daria's room, early morning.

(Everything's in boxes and she's peacefully sleeping.)

Helen: (VO) Daria!  Get up!

(Daria immediately wakes up, freaked out by Helen's screaming.  She rubs her eyes.)

Daria:  I guess today's the day.

(Helen comes in.)

Helen:  Daria, come on!  You've got less than an hour to get over to Jane's.

(She opens the closet and pulls out Daria's clothes before throwing them on the bed.)

Helen:  Hurry up!  Get dressed, take a shower and then come downstairs for breakfast!

(She rushes out.)

Daria:  Good morning to you too.

SCENE SEVENTEEN

INT: Morgendorffer kitchen.

(Quinn and Jake are seated at the table while Helen scurries about the kitchen.  Quinn's turned around in her chair, trying to negotiate.)

Quinn:  Do I have to go?  What if someone sees me?

Helen:  Quinn, your sister is going to college.  Can't you at least see her off?

Quinn:  But if everyone finds out my sister's a geek, my social life will go down the drain!

Helen:  Well, if your family embarrasses you so much, maybe you should go live with the Griffins!

Quinn:  Mo-om!  The Griffins are stuck-up!  I'm just superficial.

Helen: (mumbling) It's time somebody noticed.

Quinn:  I'll just say bye to Daria here.  There's really no point in me going all the way over to the Lanes'.  Especially if we're just dropping off boxes.  Besides, if you recall, I have school.

Helen: (exasperated) Fine.

Quinn:  Now, if you don't mind, I'm going upstairs.

Helen:  Tell Daria to get her butt down here for breakfast.  She's going to be late.

Quinn:  Fine, fine.

(She waves Helen off and heads for the stairs.)

SCENE EIGHTEEN

INT: Bathroom.

(Daria's just standing in front of the mirror, looking blankly at her reflection.)

Quinn:  Daria…

(Quinn walks in.)

Quinn:  Mom says you need to go eat breakfast.  God, Daria, you're not turning into an image-obsessed person, are you?

Daria: (deadpan) No.  I'm just looking at the oil spills in my pores.

Quinn:  Ew!

(Daria starts to walk out.)

Quinn:  Daria, wait.

Daria:  For the last time, Quinn, those pants don't make your thighs look fat.

Quinn: No, it's not that. 

(She kind of hangs her head.)

Daria:  Then what?

Quinn: (quietly) I, um…I'll miss you.

Daria: (stunned) What?

Quinn:  I mean it.  Even though you are kind of geeky and weird-

(Daria frowns.)

Quinn:  You're still my sister.

Daria:  Uh, thanks Quinn.

(A beat.)

Daria:  I'll miss you too.

Quinn:  (brightening up) Really?

Daria: (deadpan) No.  Just your shadow.

Quinn: (smirking) Daria, you really do care…

Daria:  I didn't say that.

(Before she can say anything else, Quinn does the unthinkable.  She hugs her.)

Daria:  Oof.

Quinn: (pulling away) And if you ever tell anyone I did that, you'll be a geek for life.

Daria:  Too late.

Quinn:  We should probably go downstairs.

Daria:  You go ahead.

(Quinn shrugs and goes down the stairs.  Daria waits til she's gone and then heads back into her room.  The walls are bare, her desk and shelves are gone, as is the computer.  It looks deserted.  She sighs a little.)

SCENE NINETEEN

EXT: Lane house.

(Jane and Trent stand in the driveway, arguing [Well, Jane's arguing.].)

Jane:  Trent, there is no way we can fit everything in the Tank.

Trent:  Hey, it's a lot bigger than it looks.

Jane:  Okay, fine.  You try to fit everything in.  If it doesn't all fit, we're getting a moving van.

(Jane sees a car coming down the street.)

Jane:  Probably Daria.  No one else would be on our block.

(Surprisingly, it's not.  It's Tom.)

Jane: (joking) Hey, what's Mr. Sloane doing here?

Tom: (leaning out the window) Saying goodbye.

Jane:  Why?  Are you going somewhere?

Tom:  No, but you are.

Jane:  Oh yeah, that whole Boston thing.

Tom:  Take care of yourself.

Jane:  That won't be too hard.  Daria's not a big thrill-seeker.

Tom:  Still.

(A beat.)

Tom:  I guess I better get going.  Mom's nagging at me to pack.

Jane: (hands on her hips) Don't tell me you drove all the way here just to say bye to me.

Tom: (jokingly) Yep.  But if word gets around, you know I'll deny it.

Jane:  Honest Sloane.  That's what we should call you.

(She smiles and he smiles back.)

Tom:  Well, good luck in Boston.

Jane:  Thanks.

Tom:  See ya!

(He starts to drive off, still smiling.)

Jane: (waving) Yeah…see ya.

Daria:  Oh god.  You're happy.

(Jane turns around.  She was so caught up in the moment, she didn't notice the Morgendorffers drive up.)

Jane:  Of course.  What did you think I was?  Some sort of Misery Chick?

Daria:  No, it's just…you're smiling 'cos of Tom, aren't you?

Jane: (uncomfortable) No.

Daria: (crossing her arms) Sure.

Jane:  You know, I think I left something in the house.

Trent:  Hey, wake Jesse up while you're in there.

Jane: (running into the house) Can do!

(Daria glances at her parents unloading the car and turns to Trent.)

Daria:  Did you see that?

Trent:  See what?

Daria:  Jane.

Trent:  Oh, that.  Yeah.

Daria:  Should I read anything into it?

Trent:  Knowing Janey, probably.  But don't mention it to her.  She doesn't like it when people discuss her romantic entanglements.

Daria:  I can't understand why.

(Trent does his cough and laugh thing.)

Trent:  You're funny, Daria.

SCENE TWENTY

INT: Lawndale High.

(Quinn, Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy are walking through the hall, wearing so-called "new fall clothes", by which I mean the same ones they always wear.   S Club 7's "Everybody Wants Ya" plays.)

Quinn:  Sandi, you gave Jasmine advice about Lawndale, right?

Sandi:  Of course I did, Quinn.  What do you think I am?  Stupid?

(Quinn chuckles nervously.)

Sandi:  I told her not to be worried if she isn't popular on her first today.

Tiffany:  That was smart of you, Sandi.

Stacy:  Yeah.  It usually takes about a week to be really popular.

(The Three Js come running up to Quinn.)

Jamie:  Hi Quinn!

Jeffy:  Hey Quinn!

Joey:  How was your summer?

Quinn:  Hi guys.  Uh, could you get me a soda?

Jamie:  I'll do it!

Jeffy:  I'll get you a cup!

Joey:  I'll get you some ice!

(They go running off as fast as they came.  Quinn sighs blissfully.)

Quinn:  It's good to be popular.

(Just then, Jasmine comes walking by, wearing the clothes from the other day.)

Jasmine:  Hi guys!  How are you?

Sandi:  Oh, hi, Jasmine.

Quinn:  Hey.

Tiffany:  Hiiiii…

Stacy:  Nice to see you again.

Jasmine:  I know.  Same here.  You guys aren't gonna believe this.

Stacy:  What?

Jasmine:  I've already been asked out three times!

Sandi/Quinn/Tiffany/Stacy:  What?

Jasmine:  I wasn't expecting it either.  But as soon as I got out of my uncle's car, they came flocking like sea gulls.

(They're all just standing there, shocked.  No one can speak.)

Jasmine:  Well, I better be going.  I have to go get my locker assigned.  See ya!

(She prances off, followed by a gaping crowd of boys.)

Sandi:  I…I don't believe it.

Tiffany:  How could she, like, be so popularrrrrrrrr?

Stacy:  Oh god.  I bet she's more popular than us!

Quinn:  Maybe it was her make-over.

Sandi:  Are you saying it's my fault that she surpasses us in social status?

Quinn:  Oh, no, never, Sandi.  Think of it as you're the reason she's so popular.

Sandi:  Me?  Responsible for someone else's popularity?

Stacy:  Well, you did make a princess out of a geek.

Tiffany:  Stacy, it's called 'fashion-challenged.'

Stacy:  Sorry.

Sandi:  This is unbelievable.

Quinn:  I know.  But really, if you could turn someone that unfashionable into the most popular girl in school, think of what you could do to make us popular.

Sandi: (raising an eyebrow) Us?

Quinn:  I mean, you, Sandi.  Not us.  You.

Sandi:  That's what I thought.

(The Three Js come running back to Quinn.  Joey puts a few cubes of ice into the Styrofoam cup Jeffy's holding.  Jamie pours a can of Ultra Cola into the cup.  Jeffy hands it to Quinn.)

Jeffy:  Here you go, Quinn.

Quinn:  Uh…thanks, Joey.

Joey:  I'm Joey.

Quinn:  Oh, I meant Jamie.

Jamie:  I'm Jamie.

Quinn:  Um…what's your name?

(She points to Jeffy.)

Jeffy:  I'm Jeffy.

Quinn:  Jeffy.  Got it.

Sandi:  Well, it looks like our senior year will be just as boring as every other year.

Stacy:  And uneventful.

Tiffany:  Yeah.

Quinn:  But don't we have to-

(She shuts her mouth.  What's the point of mentioning college applications to the Fashion drones?)

Sandi:  Don't we have to what?

Quinn:  Oh, nothing.

Sandi:  Well, at least your "cousin" won't be around anymore.

Stacy:  She was so ge-

Tiffany: (condescending) Stacy.

Stacy:  Fashion challenged.

(Tiffany nods with approval.)

Quinn:  I guess so.  But I think I'll miss her.  You know, in the way that now there's no school freak.  (smiling)  Daria…I wonder what she's doing right now…

SCENE TWENTY-ONE

EXT: Lane House

(The Tank obviously couldn't hold everything, so they've attached a small U-Haul trailer to the back.  Jane and Daria are saying their goodbyes.)

Helen:  And Daria, make sure you e-mail us every day.

Daria:  Uh huh.

Jake:  And I want a written letter each week, dammit!

Daria: (smiling a little) Well, okay.  But you've been forewarned.

Helen:  Be careful, sweetie.  I don't want you having rowdy parties in the apartment.  I know the desire will be almost unshakeable, but-

Daria:  Mom, it's not even definite that we get an apartment.  Jane might have to come back if we don't.

(Jane, Amanda and Helen give Daria knowing smiles.)

Daria:  Wait a minute.  You know something I don't, don't you?

Jane:  Well, it was supposed to be a surprise, but your mom landed us the apartment.

Daria: (shocked) What?

Helen:  I didn't do much, really.  Amanda and I acted as your references, along with Mr. O'Neill.  I've already sent your first few payments, so you have time to get on your feet.

Daria:  Mom…I…I don't know what to say.

Helen:  You don't have to say anything, sweetie.

(She and Jake pull Daria into a hug.  She blushes scarlet at first and glances at Trent.  He gives her a cool smile.  She smiles herself and hugs them back.  Amanda, who's been standing next to Jane, turns to her daughter.)

Amanda:  I know you'll do wonderfully in college and in that gallery job.

Jane:  Well, I guess I kind of have a knack for it.

Amanda: (hugging Jane) That you do.

Jane:  Mom, I just want to say thanks.

Amanda:  For what?

Jane:  For everything.  For the money, for the apartment, for just being a mom.

(Amanda smiles.)

Amanda:  Well, thanks for being my daughter.

(Trent looks down at his wrist.)

Trent:  We should get going.

Jane:  Trent, you don't have a watch on.

Trent:  Oh.

Jane:  He's probably right, though.

Daria:  Time to go?

Helen:  It certainly looks that way.

(Daria looks at her parents, suddenly feeling a little sad.  As perfect mood music, "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch begins to play.)

Jake:  Go on, kiddo.  We'll be rooting for you.

Helen:  I know you'll make us proud, Daria.

(She places a hand on Daria's shoulder.)

Helen:  And always remember, we love you.

Daria:  Thanks, Mom.

(Jake starts to sniffle.)

Jake:  It's time for you to get in that van.  You may not want to, but if you don't you'll regret it.  Maybe not today.  Maybe not tomorrow, but someday.

(He breaks down.  Daria, feeling embarrassed, gives him a mild hug.)

Daria:  It'll be okay, Dad.

(Trent opens the driver's side door and gets in.  Jane lingers for a minute beside Amanda.)

Amanda:  Something wrong, Janey?

Jane:  Nope.

(She hugs Amanda.  Amanda smiles, letting a few tears escape too.)

Jane: (whispering) I love you, Mom.

Amanda:  I love you too, Janey.

(They break and kind of stand there smiling at each other for a moment.  Trent clears his throat.)

Jane:  Right.  Well, I guess it's finally time for this Lane to leave the nest.

Amanda:  Just remember not to leave the nest that is your soul.

(Jane gives her a "what" look.)

Amanda: (whispering in Jane's ear) Go get that Sloane boy.  I like him.

(Amanda winks at Jane.  Jane and Daria climb into the van from the other side.)

Trent:  Finally.  Jesse says if this thing overheats again-

Jane:  Trent, just drive.

Jake:  Bye, sweetie!  Make us proud!

(He sniffles.  Helen and Amanda just wave as the Tank drives off.)

Daria:  So this is it.

Jane:  We're really leaving Lawndale.

Daria:  No more after school Pizza King, no more pep rallies, no more teacher's dirty looks… (A bt.) No more Tom…

(Trent gives Daria a look.  Jane just looks out the window, kind of saddened.)

Jane:  Yeah…

(Note:  Right as she says this, Michelle sings, "And when the stars fall, I will lie awake at night.  You're my shooting star.")

ROLL END CREDITS to "Goodbye to You."

**THE END**

--

Phew!  That was quite a challenge.  If you've read _Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Babbitt, there's a part where she says that beginning writing a piece is the hardest part of writing.  You sit there, staring at the screen or your paper, scared to write something, in fear of what might conspire.  I definitely agree with her.  This first part served to help me deal with my fear of writing Daria fan fiction and in script style.  I wrote a script for a Hey Arnold! fic a while ago, and that didn't turn out so well, so it was only natural that the mere thought of scripting scared me.  But I did it and the world didn't end.   When I was writing the last few scenes about Daria and Jane leaving Lawndale, I could really identify with them.  In life, change is everywhere.  To put it in the words of Lana Lang, "Sometimes it's painful.  Sometimes it's beautiful.  Most of the time, it's both."  This fic forced me to bend, to change to a different style of writing and a different series.  I was very nervous at first (and still am!) but I think I've come quite a long way.  I can't say it was the most fun I've ever had, but it was entertaining.  Especially receiving my beta reader's comments via IM.  It felt good to see some many "LMAO!" popping up.  I know it's not the funniest thing in the world and can't possible compare to some of the great writers here, but this is my story and I felt I should share it with the world, if only so one person could read it and understand that this is my imagination unbarred.  It's okay if you like it.  It's cool if you don't, but whether you do like it or not isn't the issue.  I believe that to write something and let others see it shows incredible courage.   It's not because of the fact that others may not see it in the same light as you.  I believe that in everything we write, a part of our soul and heart goes into it.  Showing it to someone lets them take away a little piece of ourselves.  We fear for that little trinket.  We hope that whoever takes it understands it.  Because for them to be ignorant and not bother to pay attention to the individual who produced the words would be quite…well, depressing.  I know you may not agree with my idea of what season six should be like, but I hope that you do understand that this vision is mine and unique.  I pray that you take care of the piece of me you accept when you read this._

          Okay, enough of my pseudo-weird ideas! J  I'd like to extend the deepest gratitude to the following people:

Kara Wild, author of the excellent "Driven Wild Universe" fic, for allowing me to use the commercial hell bit.   Although mine will generally be commercial heaven. ;)

Jamie Bosanko, my beta reader, for taking the time to read through all my work.  You've given me so many "I love this!" that I could start my own bank.  Not to mention your patented digital hugs, especially when I got dumped by that tosser. ;)

Allen, my loyal friend, for always being there for me.  I always look forward to hearing new fic ideas from you.  Thanks for your insight on the Tom scene, even though you've never seen Daria!

Shalaena, my best friend forever, just for being my friend.  You put up with so much from me.  How can I ever repay you?  You were the first person to read my rough draft of the first few scenes and I don't think I will ever forget sitting in the tent on the camping trip, 11 pm with flashlight in hand, and you laughing quietly and awkwardly at the Heath Ledger line.  I love you! J

You, whoever you are, for just reading the fic!  I know it's not great, but I tried.  Thank you so much for taking the bit of my soul that I've left naked to the world.  I hope that eventually you will understand it, if you don't already.

Now, for some "hidden" pop culture references:

The title:  Half-derived from that ABC sitcom, "Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place."  I only saw one episode because when it first debuted I was quite young and Mom thought it was too vulgar.  LOL.  Also from the title of a piece of Futurama fan fiction.

The Gap:  A joke I heard from my best friend.  She said she heard it on "The Nanny."

Heath Ledger:  In the movie "Josie and the Pussycats", there's a machine designed to send out subliminal messages.  One of these states that "Heath Ledger is the new Matt Damon."  A moment later, one character remarks, "I want a vintage tee and Heath Ledger."

SSW:  The night I wrote that I was at my best friend's church camp.  It was Hobo stew night where everyone brings an ingredient and it gets tossed into a big pot.  You then eat the stew out of cans.  But it doesn't give you superhuman strength. L

Suspiciously nice:  In episode three of Futurama, Fry and Bender are apartment-hunting in New York and they find an ad for a "Suspiciously good apartment" in the paper.  They check it out and the guy's like, "There's no catch.  Although, technically, we are located in New Jersey."  The next scene as Fry looking despondent saying, "Not one even remotely livable."

Plain_Jane_Lane16:  My MTV.com identity and Paperpusher's Message Board ID.

Idle Hands are the Devil's Playthings:  Obviously, an old saying but also the title of the supposed series finale of Futurama, in which Fry makes a pact with the devil so he can get robot hands which will allow him to express his love for his co-worker Leela.  

Sheltered Shrubs:  The neighborhood Ginger Foutley lives in on Nickelodeon's "As Told By Ginger."  It's a very under-rated cartoon.

Honeymoon dress:  A term I got from one of my favorite pieces of fan fiction, "Ribbons/Hair/Never/There."  It's a very sad Hey Arnold! story about Helga and Arnold after graduation.  In one scene, she lets him sleep in her room since he's got a hang-over and when she enters the next morning, he describes her Hawaiian dress as a Honeymoon dress.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow:  Hm…Casablanca, anyone?

Thanx peeps!  Look for "Adjust This" up soon! 


	2. Adjust This

"Is It Season Six Yet?" by Miss Pataki

Episode Two: Adjust This

A/N:  Wow!  I'm writing this a few hours after posting "Two Chicks and an Apartment" and already I have two reviews.  Whoo!  Thanks, Roger E. Moore and Brendon League!  Okay, I suppose now that I've dipped my feet into the pool that is Daria fan fiction-writing, my mistakes are inexcusable.  Just kidding.  I still consider myself a virgin to the whole writing about our favorite Misery Chick.  Anyway, both pointed out that Quinn had gotten past the whole "Daria's my cousin" phase.  I believe that happened in "Lucky Strike."  Am I right?  Back on topic, I perceived Quinn admitting Daria was her sister to just the Fashion Club, not everyone.  Didn't she also try to disguise her identity at the graduation in IICY?  Maybe I'm a bit out of the circle (I only became a fan in early July.) but from my point of view, Quinn's still a bit queasy about her relation to Daria (This WILL change in a later chapter.).  Feel free to express your opinion against this though!  Now, to individually address my reviewer's comments:

Roger- I haven't seen a lot of season five (Damn Noggin!) but I was under the impression that Tom maintained something of a friendship with Jane.  I admit the FC/Jasmine storyline was…weak to say the least.  I hate to admit it, but the sub-plot was mainly to divert attention from the main one. -_*  You may now flame me. ;)

Brendon- I had no idea!  I was under the impression that they were separate stores, like Rave and Sears.  But instead they're one big store, like Brass Plum in Nordstrom. ;)  Thanks for pointing that out!

Martin- Thanky swanky for the compliments!  As for Tom and Jane, I'll explain that in Part Four, a very shippy episode if I do say so myself.  Lots of music too!  : mumbles something about Electrasy and theSTART :

Disclaimer: I don't own Daria or any of the songs included here.  Daria is property of MTV and Viacom.  I really don't know what recording companies the artists are contracted to.  Bad, evil me… ;)

--

**Daria**

In

**"Adjust This"**

SCENE ONE

INT: Daria's room in the morning.

(Camera is focused on Daria, who's still asleep.  Her mattress sits on the floor, surrounded by boxes, and she's only got a pillow and blanket.  Her radio alarm clock sits on the floor and clicks to 7:00.  It turns on, playing Weezer's "Keep Fishin'."  Daria, eyes still closed, blindly fumbles around with one hand and turns it off.  After a few moments, the picture fades to Daria's dream.)

SCENE TWO

INT:  Daria and Jane's apartment.

(Daria holds open the door as Trent carries in a box.  We can see that it's quite dark outside.  He sets it down in the short hallway.)

Trent:  That's the last of them.

Jane: (who's standing there, observing everything) Well, thanks Trent.

Trent:  No problem.  You sure you'll be alright, Janey?

(Jane crosses her arms.)

Jane:  You sound like Tom.

(Trent and Daria give her looks.)

Jane: (mumbling) Not that I would know…

(Trent turns to Daria.)

Trent:  What about you, Daria?

Daria:  I'll be fine.  If any strange college guys start hitting on me, I'll just introduce them to my crazy roommate.

(Jane rolls her eyes.)

Trent:  I guess I should get moving then.  I've got to get back home for practice.

Jane: (skeptical) At two am?

Trent:  Well, obviously not.  But it'll be time once I get back to Lawndale.

Jane:  You've put some thought into this, haven't you, Trent?

Trent:  What?  Oh, yeah.

(He and Jane make eye contact for a minute.)

Jane:  Don't make me hug you.

Trent:  Wasn't gonna.

(Awkward silence.)

Jane:  Um…I guess a pat on the back wouldn't hurt.

Trent:  Okay.

(Confused, he walks over to her and very uncomfortably pats her shoulder.)

Jane:  God, if you're gonna look at me like that, I'll hug you.

(She hugs him and it's obvious she means it.  He just gives her his cool smile.)

Jane: (breaking it awkwardly) Okay, enough of that.

Trent:  Take care of yourself, Janey.  If you're gonna conform to society's education standards, at least don't let your guard down.

Jane: If I mustn't.

(Trent turns to Daria.)

Trent: (whispering in her ear) Keep an eye on her.  She can go ballistic at the worst possible times.

Daria: (deadpan) Now I have something to look forward to.

Trent:  You're a good kid, Daria.  Don't let outside influences spoil that.

(He kisses her on the cheek.  She turns beet-red.)

Trent:  Later.

Jane:  See ya, Trent.  Don't fall asleep on the way home.

(Trent heads out.)

Daria: Yeah.  Bye.

(Camera fades back to reality.)

SCENE THREE

INT: Daria's room.

(Camera focuses on Daria [we can't see the clock].  The radio comes on again, still playing the Weezer song.  Daria fumbles and turns it off, not opening her eyes.  The camera pulls back to show the clock.  A hand comes down and turns it on.  Daria frowns and sits up.  She opens her eyes and sees Jane standing there in her jogging outfit, smirking.)

Jane:  Gooooooood morning, Mary Sunshine.  You kept trying to switch off the radio.

Daria:  And I would've gotten away with it, too if it weren't for you meddling Lane.

Jane:  Don't you have a college to get to?

Daria:  Probably.  

Jane:  So why aren't you getting up?

Daria:  Because I can't move when other people are in my presence.  And since you're standing there, it makes me slower than…than…

Jane:  A slug with frostbite?

Daria:  You have been watching "Sick, Sad World" every day, haven't you?

Jane: (shrugs) It's not like there's anything else worth watching on TV.  Don't even get me started on soap operas.

Daria:  Believe me, there's no way in hell I'd do that.

Jane:  Well, anyway, I just wanted to make sure you were up.  I'm gonna go for a run.

(She heads for the door and then turns around as she's reaching for the knob.)

Jane:  Oh, and I did see how loopy you got when Trent left.

(She smirks at Daria before exiting.)

Daria:  Damn emotions.

(Daria grabs her glasses off the floor from where they sit, next to the alarm clock.  Camera changes to her POV.  The room is very blurry until she puts her glasses on.  Camera switches back to regular angle as she sits up in bed, looking around the room.  The walls are light gray and the carpet is a hint darker.  The boxes are still sealed and placed willy-nilly around it.  Her regular outfit is lying wrinkled on the floor.  The window's off-white blinds are closed.)

Daria:  This is gloomy.  Even for me.

(She gets up out of bed and walks over to a box marked 'clothes.'  She opens it and pulls out the usual green jacket, brown-orange top and black skirt.)

Daria:  Looks like it's time to begin at yet another school with the usual alienation.

(She shrugs before pulling off her socks.)

SCENE FOUR

EXT: Lawndale High.

(The first few notes of Everclear's "Wonderful" play.)

Sandi: (VO) So, what do you want to do after school?

INT: Lawndale High, Mr. O'Neill's room.

(The Fashion Clubbers sit in their usual corner, each flipping through a copy of Waif.)

Stacy:  Isn't that new movie playing at the theater in the mall?

Tiffany:  Which one?

Stacy:  Um…that one with the girl who wants to skateboard but everyone says it's a guy's sport and she and her friends live in a crappy apartment and she has to raise her little brother while working in a run-down motel.

Quinn:  Oh, you mean "Blue Rush"?

Stacy:  That's the one!

Sandi:  A movie about skateboarding?  God, Stacy, you're not turning into a punk, are you?

Stacy:  N-no, Sandi.

Sandi:  Good.  Now, I say that we all go to Vanity Fair to check out their new line of lip gloss.

Tiffany:  Actually, I wanted to go to The Phonograph.

Sandi:  The music store?

Tiffany:  Yeah.  The new Whitney Clears CD is out.

Stacy:  I heard Whitney's gonna be there, signing autographs!

Sandi:  I bet she could give us lots of fashion tips.  I suppose we could go.

(Tiffany and Stacy smile, but Quinn frowns.)

Sandi:  And then, I suggest we go to Vanity Fair, followed by Junior 5 and Step Up.

Stacy:  Great idea, Sandi!

Tiffany:  I could use a new pair of strappy sandals.

(Quinn crosses her arms and frowns.)  

Quinn:  Um, didn't we end the Fashion Club in June?

Tiffany:  I think so.  I was there.

Sandi:  What's your point, Quinn?  You're not trying to restart it, are you?

Quinn: No!  Never, Sandi.  I just think that since we ended it maybe we should do stuff we didn't do when we were in the club.

Sandi:  Are you saying maybe we should remove the focus from fashion?

Quinn:  Well…

Sandi: 'Cos it certainly sounds that way.

Quinn:  Well, let's put it this way: If we do the same things we did when the Fashion Club was alive, what difference does it make if it exists or not?

Tiffany:  But Quinn…

Stacy:  Quinn, if we give up fashion, we'll….well, we just can't!  We need fashion!

Tiffany:  Yeah.  If we didn't have fashion, is there any point in leaving the house?

Quinn:  Believe it or not, but there's a lot more to life than fashion!

(Stacy gasps.)

Sandi:  Of course there is.

Tiffany:  Like guys and make-up.

Quinn:  What do you intend to do with your life, you guys?  I mean, I don't know about you, but I hope to get a good job and make some money.

Tiffany:  But why do that when we can just marry someone rich?

(Quinn sighs.)

Sandi:  I was afraid this would happen.  Quinn Morgendorffer, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to abstain from our trip to the mall this afternoon.

Quinn:  Fine.  I don't need fashion!  I'll find something else to do!

(Stacy freaks out and starts crying.)

Sandi:  Oh, shut up, Stacy.

(Camera switches to front of the classroom where Mr. O'Neill stands.)

Mr. O'Neill:  Well, welcome back to English class.  Now, before we begin our reading of A Tale of Two Cities, I'd like to make an important announcement.

(Ms. Li walks in.)

Ms. Li:  I'll take care of that, Mr. O'Neill.

(Mr. O'Neill moves aside.)

Mr. O'Neill:  Well, okay.

(Ms. Li turns to the class.)

Ms. Li:  Students, you've begun your last year here at the wonderful Laaaaaawndale High.  How are you liking it so far?

(Camera switches to emotion-less, silent class.  Camera switches back to Ms. Li.)

Ms. Li: (frowning) Anyway, soon it will be time to fill out your college applications and many of you… (muttering) All of you…could use some extracurricular activities on them.  Now, thanks to Ms. Paully, you'll all be given the opportunity to make your applications more impressive, by joining… (Pause for effect) the drama club!

Sandi:  Ew!  Those thespians?

Stacy: (horrified) She wants us to join those poor girls led astray?!

Ms. Li:  Now, who would like to volunteer?

(No one raises their hand. Ms. Li waits a few moments before speaking.)

Ms. Li:  Well, if none of you will accept this generous offer and the chance to perform William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet", I suppose I'll move on to the next classroom.

(Quinn raises her hand.)

Ms. Li:  Miss Morgendorffer, you can't volunteer to be head of the costuming department.

Quinn:  Actually, Ms. Li, I want to volunteer to be in the drama club.

Ms. Li: (not understanding) I'm sorry but- (realizing) Did you just say you wanted to join the drama club?

Quinn:  I think so.  I mean, yes.

Ms. Li:  I must say, this is a surprise.  Your sister gave me the impression that no one in your family was concerned about the school.

(Quinn chuckles.)

Quinn:  You don't say.

SCENE FIVE

INT: Daria and Jane's kitchen.

(It's very compact and very white.  Jane is making some coffee.  Daria enters, her hair very damp and getting the back of her shirt wet.  She's carrying her jacket in one hand.)

Daria: (wringing out her hair) Ugh…

Jane: (pouring a cup of coffee) So you figured out the water's really cold and neither of us brought a hair dryer.

Daria:  Unfortunately.  How'd you dry your hair?

Jane: One word- heated hair wrap.

Daria:  That's two words.

Jane:  Actually, I think it's three.

Daria:  Well, the shower doesn't work, I have no way of drying my hair and I can't tell if hair wrap is one or two damn words.

Jane: Hey, hey.  Don't get mad.  At least, not until after you've tried Jane Lane's famous Morning Wake-Up Call coffee.

(She hands a cup of coffee to Daria.  Daria takes a sip.)

Daria:  It taste's like Folgers.

Jane:  It is Folgers.  I just say it's my recipe.  Trent can't tell the difference.

Daria:  It's nice to know you don't take advantage of your brother's vulnerability.

Jane:  It is, isn't it?  So what classes do you have lined up for today?

Daria:  Tragic English Literature before lunch and then Study of Edgar Allen Poe and Russian History afterwards.

Jane: (sipping her coffee) Sounds like a fun-filled day.

Daria:  Well, as long as I don't daydream it will be.

Jane:  Still thinking about last night?

Daria:  Unfortunately.

Jane:  You shouldn't try to hide it Daria.  It makes it more obvious.

Daria:  Really?

Jane:  Oh yeah.  I mean, if Trent didn't know before last night, he certainly knows now.  When we go back home, you should ask him out.

Daria:  Can we not discuss my love life or lack thereof?

Jane:  Sorry.  It's just really cute, is all.

Daria:  So was yesterday morning when Tom pulled up.

Jane: (blushing) Point taken.

Daria:  What are you doing today?

Jane:  I think I'll unpack and decorate.  I figured I'd talk to our landlord about painting the walls.

Daria:  Good luck.

Jane:  Thanks.  You too.

Daria: I'll need it.

(She finally gives up on her hair and puts on her jacket before heading for the door.  Jane follows.  In the hallway, she grabs her gray backpack.)

Jane:  Have fun.

Daria:  You know I will.

(She opens the door.  In front of her, reaching for the doorbell is a girl about twenty-five of average height.  The girl's pale, has pink hair with light blonde roots showing and is wearing a black Jimmy Eat World shirt and a pair of low-rider jeans.  Just for the record, she's also wearing pink converse sneakers. ;) )

Girl:  Oh, hey- You must be Daria and Jane.

Jane:  That would be us.  

(She holds out her hand.)

Jane: I'm Jane Lane.

(The girl shakes her hand.)

Girl:  Josie Carpenter.  My father owns all the apartments, but leaves me in charge of them for some odd reason.

(She glances at Daria.)

Josie:  Oh, did I catch you at a bad time?

Daria:  No, I just have to start my college education.  No biggie.

(Josie grins.)

Josie: (pointing) If you go down Lennon Street and past Blossom Hair, you'll get to an intersection.  Turn left and you can't miss it.

Daria:  Um, thanks.  Nice meeting you, Josie.

Josie:  Same here, Daria.

(Daria heads off toward the direction Josie pointed.)

Jane:  So was there any reason you came by?

Josie:  Not really.  I just wanted to say hi.

Jane: (surprised) Oh, well, in that case, wanna come in?  There's still some coffee left.

Josie: Thanks.

SCENE SIX

INT: Kitchen

(Josie and Jane are seated at the counter, sipping coffee.)

Josie:  So what brings you to Boston, Jane?  

Jane:  Well, I decided being an artist wasn't enough.  I have to be a starving artist by going to Boston Fine Arts College.  I applied late though, so I start later in the year.

Josie:  I see.  I really admire artists.  I mean, I think they're the most honest people this country has to offer.  They freely expose themselves to the world. (A bt.) Figuratively speaking, of course.

Jane:  It's not easy, but I enjoy it.  Especially now.  I just got a gig doing paintings for a gallery here.

Josie:  Wow.  And you're only eighteen.

Jane: (smirking) I always was an over-achiever.  So…are there any intelligent, good-looking guys around here?

Josie:  You mean besides my boyfriend?  Yeah, there are some.  You just have to look.  They're not exactly the easiest to get a hold of.  Though I have to admit, it seems a bit funny that you're looking for romance here.  Already, I mean.

Jane: (at a loss for words) Well, I…

Josie:  Unless you're getting over someone, which I totally understand.

Jane:  I suppose you could say that…

(She studies her coffee for a moment before Josie speaks again.)

Josie:  So…when do you plan on unpacking and junk?

Jane:  Today, most likely.  I need my mindless tabloid TV show fix.

Josie:  I won't keep you then.

(She and Jane head for the door.)

Jane:  Thanks for coming by.  It was nice meeting you.

Josie:  Yeah.  You too.

(She walks out the door, but pops her head back in.)

Josie:  And if you feel like making the walls your easel, please do so.  They could use a make-over.

(Jane closes the door and smirks.)

Jane:  I didn't even have to ask.

(Pink's "Don't Let Me Get Me" starts to play, continuing into scene seven.)

SCENE SEVEN

EXT: Raft College.

(The college is well-kept with neat lawns.  Not nearly as fancy as Bromwell, but pretty darn close.)

INT: Valentine's classroom.

(Daria sits on the right, toward the front of the classroom, surrounded by "normal-looking" students.  A few stare at her and whisper a bit.  A couple girls giggle.  Daria is wearing her usual dead-pan expression.  A woman in her early thirties [Valentine] stands at the board, writing.  She has shoulder-length straight dirty blonde hair and wears a v-neck plum three-quarter length shirt and a long bohemian blue/calico skirt.  She turns to face the class.)

Valentine:  Hello, students.  Welcome to Raft College.  I hope you'll enjoy your stay here and learn a lot.  I'm Professor Valentine and this is Tragic English Literature.  So if you're in the wrong classroom, I suggest you high-tail it out of here.

(She smirks at two "trendy" girls laughing in back.)

Valentine:  Don't you two have a sale to be at in the mall?  Or do you just have something to tell the class?

(The girls clam up and look straight at Professor Valentine.)

Daria: (smirking too) I can tell I'm gonna like this class.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCREEN: Josie introduces herself to Daria and Jane, with "Keep Fishin" playing in the background.  

"Next week on a brand-new Daria…Kevin tries to get used to life without Brittany, unsuccessfully…"

(Shot of Kevin in the middle of the football field at night.)

Kevin:  Babe!

"While Jane gets a kitten to end her bouts of loneliness…"

(Jane sits on the couch, petting a gray kitten.  It yawns wide.)

Jane:  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to stick your finger in there?

(Daria enters, carrying a soda.)

Daria: Thankfully not.

IS IT COLLEGE YET?: Now on DVD and video.  Unfortunately, MTV decided to be a bunch of asses and put the edited version on DVD, remove all music from the two episodes and give us no real special features.  I would have made it the uncut version and included Garbage's "Breaking Up the Girl" video if it was up to me, but unfortunately, 'tis not.  At least I've got a blurry uncut version on my hard drive. J

VANILLA COKE: Omigod, you guys, this stuff is soooooo addicting!  I had some in July on the way to Canada and I got hooked.  Unfortunately, I haven't been able to get Mom to buy some here, but at least she buys Diet Coke.  Anyway, you have to try it.  It's the best soft drink ever!

ANGUS, THONGS AND FULL-FRONTAL SNOGGING:  I swear, that is the funniest book I've ever read.  It should really be a movie.  I'd cast Evan Rachel Wood ("Simone", TV's _Once and Again) as the lead, Georgia.  Heather Matarrazzo ("The Princess Diaries") could be her best friend, Jas.  I'd prolly choose Matt Czuchry ("Eight-Legged Freaks") to play Robbie, the Sex God himself.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, go read the book!_

NOW, BACK TO DARIA…

SCENE EIGHT

INT: Lawndale High hallway

(The Fashion Club is walking toward their next class.  Sandi and Tiffany look pissed at Quinn, who's walking faster and a bit farther ahead.  Stacy looks conflicted.)

Sandi:  Quinn, I can't believe you're actually gonna become a…a…

Stacy:  A drama geek.

Tiffany: Stacy.

(Stacy sobs.)

Quinn:  It's not a big deal.  I need something to do after school is all.  No biggie.

Sandi:  It is so a big deal, Quinn Morgendorffer.  Next thing you know, you'll be signing up for all those extra curricular activities and running for student government.  You'll be just like that Landon girl.

Tiffany:  We would never want you to be like that, Quinn.

Stacy:  But wasn't Jodie the most popular girl in school after us and Brittany Taylor?

Tiffany:  But she was like…a smart person.

Quinn:  I'm smart.

Sandi:  Quinn, do you really want to be like Jodie doing all that volunteer work and being even less…

(She trails off.)

Quinn:  Sandi?

Sandi: (adjusting herself) On second thought, this drama club thing could be a good idea.  You could let Lawndale really get to know the real Quinn Morgendorffer.

(Tiffany and Stacy look confused, as does Quinn.  Quinn frowns for a moment before shrugging.)

Quinn:  I'm glad you think that way, Sandi.  But I don't think anyone will really get to know me if I'm playing a character up on stage.

(The Three J's come running up to her.)

Jeffy:  Hey Quinn, I heard you're signing up to be in "Romeo and Juliet."

Quinn:  Actually, I already did.

Jamie:  Wow!  You should be Juliet.

Quinn:  Thanks, Jamie.

Joey:  And I'll be Romeo.

(Jeffy shoves him out of the way.)

Jeffy:  No way!  I'm gonna play Romeo!

(Jamie pushes them both.)

Jamie:  I'm Romeo 'cos I already signed up!

Jeffy:  No fair!

(They get into a shoving match.  Quinn shrugs and continues on, followed by the Fashion Club.)

SCENE NINE

INT: Daria and Jane's kitchen.

(Jane's got her head in the fridge as Daria walks in.)

Daria:  You won't find the meaning of life in there.  I checked this morning.

(Camera switches to inside the fridge.  Jane looks around for something.  Finding nothing, she shuts the door.  The camera switches back to the kitchen.)

Jane:  You won't find any food in there either.  I think we need to go shopping.

Daria:  I hadn't planned on calling Quinn so soon, but if you think it's necessary.

Jane:  Well, Mom slipped me some extra money and I was thinking of getting some more paint for the walls.  I may as well buy the essentials too.

Daria:  As long as you don't start eating Model Crunch, we'll be in the clear.

Jane:  So how was "English Stories of Death and Suffering?"

Daria:  Not too bad, actually.  The teacher hates popular people and actually understands the subject.

Jane:  It's the future you!

Daria:  Perhaps.  But let's not get our hopes up.

Jane:  Speaking of hopes, you weren't planning on making lunch here, were you?

Daria:  It would be stupid to say yes now.

Jane: (smirking) That's my line.  Anyway, I was flipping through the phone book and found the name of a diner a few blocks from here.  They're supposed to have the best pizza around.

Daria:  Are you suggesting that we eat there?

Jane:  Well, if you insist.

SCENE TEN

INT: The diner.

(The style is that of a 50's drive-in with the funky countertops, bars and stools, etc.  The waitresses wear those kinky orangey-pink dress and apron ensembles, minus the roller skates.  The bar sits in front of an old-fashioned silvery-metallic kitchen with one of those spinny-order thingys [I know I suck at descriptions!].  Jane and Daria sit at one of the booths by the window, enjoying a pie.  Cindy Alexander's cover of "American Girl" plays.)

Jane:  It's almost like Lawndale.

Daria:  Are you sure that's a good thing?

Jane:  It's not really bad or good.  I mean, I guess it's good.  If, and when, we get homesick, we can just come here.  It'll be like old times.

Daria:  At least there aren't any brain-dead cheerleaders in sight.  I'll give it credit for that.

Jane: (looking toward the door) You spoke too soon.

(Daria turns around to look at the door.  A group of five girls in red and yellow cheerleading outfits enters, chattering away.  One points to a table a few away from Daria and Jane's.  Continuing their chatter, they walk toward it.  When they reach Daria and Jane's booth, they go silent.  As they pass, they just stare at them ala FC and Tom and Daria in IIFY.  Jane stares back, one eyebrow raised.  As soon as they pass, they chatter again.)

Jane:  Well, that was unsettling.

Daria:  Eerily familiar, if you ask me.

(She looks down at her watch.)

Jane:  Time for more cruel and unusual torture?

Daria:  Just about.

(She takes another bite of pizza and grabs her backpack before standing up.)

Daria:  Gonna buy more paint?

Jane:  Not just yet.  I wanna see if I can piss off those cheerleaders.

Daria:  See ya then.  

Jane:  Here's hoping you get other good teachers.

Daria: (going out the door) Don't jinx it.

(Jane smirks and sits back down, straining to hear the cheerleaders' conversation.  Camera focuses on her, slinking down in her seat.)

Waitress:  You done?

(Camera pans out.)

Jane: (finger to her lips) Shhhhh!

(The waitress shrugs and walks off.  Camera goes back to focusing on Jane.)

Head Cheerleader [Melissa]:  Look, Valerie.  The squad and I have been talking and frankly…

Cheerleader [Becca]:  We don't think you're qualified to stay in the A-squad.

Cheerleader [Valerie]: What!?

Cheerleader [Natalie]:  It means we're kicking you out.

Valerie:  Why?

Cheerleader [Jessica]:  We don't want to sound petty, but you're…well…

Melissa:  The A-squad has a certain level of beauty to uphold.  And if one member can't fulfill that duty, then she's out.

Valerie:  But I need to be here!

Becca:  And so does Chrissy.

Valerie:  You're putting her on the A-squad?!  What's wrong with you?

Jessica:  It's just that Chrissy is a lot more…

Natalie:  Pretty than you.

Valerie:  I can't believe this!

(She starts to sob.  Camera is still focused on Jane.  We hear someone clearing their throat.  Jane looks up.  Camera shows a tear-stained and mad Valerie towering over her.  Valerie's got shiny auburn straight hair that reaches past her shoulders [She could be compared to Kansas from "Sugar and Spice."].  She's very slender and has piercing brown eyes.  Jane sits up, a sheepish look on her face.)

Jane:  Um, hi.  I'm Jane.  You must be Valerie.

(She holds out her hand.  Valerie continues glaring.)

Jane:  Do you want to sit down?

Valerie: (hands on her hips) No.

Jane:  Alright then.  Do you want to take a walk?

(Valerie's face softens.)

Valerie:  I'd like that.

SCENE ELEVEN

INT: Another classroom at Raft.

(This one is more dignified.  The walls are an off-white color and tall, mahogany beams support the roof.  Rectangular windows sit toward the high corners of the room, letting a few beams of light in.  A woman with graying hair pulled up into a bun sits at the desk in front.  A pair of black spectacles sits on her very pointed nose.  She has a bored expression on her face.  Daria sits in the left most seat in the front.)

Professor [Brown]:  Now, can anyone tell me what journal Poe worked at when he wrote "The Poetic Principle"?

(A preppy girl with brown hair raises her hand.)

Brown:  Yes, Miss Henson?

Henson [Elizabeth]:  I believe it was _New England Rose._

Brown:  Very good, Miss Henson.

(Daria frowns and raises her hand.)

Brown:  Miss Morgendorffer?

Daria:  Actually, it was the _Southern Literary Messenger._

Brown: (frowning) Thank you, Miss Morgendorffer.

(She turns to the board and writes the year '1816' on it.)

Brown:  In the year 1816, seven years after being adopted by the Allans, Poe was sent to study in a boarding school in England.

(Daria raises her hand.)

Brown: Yes, Miss Morgendorffer?

Daria:  I believe it was a year before that, in 1815.

Brown:  Yes, I stand corrected.  Now, he used the boarding school as a setting for what story?

(A black-haired guy raises his hand.)

Brown:  Mr. Papillion?

(Daria smirks a little.)

Papillion [Cale]:  The boarding school was the setting for "Tamberlane."

Brown:  Thank you, Mr. Papillion.  That is correct.

Daria:  No, it's not.

Brown:  Excuse me, Miss Morgendorffer.  But I didn't see you raise your hand.

(Daria sighs and raises her hand.)

Brown:  Not now, Miss Morgendorffer.  I need to finish outlining Poe's life.

Daria:  Maybe you wouldn't have to if everyone had glanced at the required reading.

Brown:  Excuse me?

Daria:  It seems to me that no one in this class knows a thing about Edgar Allan Poe.

Brown:  Keep your opinions to yourself, Miss Morgendorffer.

Daria: (standing up) Why?  Because I might embarrass you?  I bet you couldn't tell Jane Stannard and Virginia Clemm apart.

Brown:  That's enough, Daria.  Now, maybe you'd like to teach the class?

(Daria feels her cheeks go red as the class glares at her.  "Falling For the First Time" by the Barenaked Ladies plays.)

SCENE TWELVE

EXT:  The diner.

(Jane and Valerie are walking along the pavement outside the diner.)

Jane:  So why exactly did they kick you out?

Valerie:  I wasn't pretty enough.

Jane:  So I heard. (She blushes.)  I mean, but why weren't you pretty enough?

(Valerie points to her nose.  Jane squints.)

Jane:  A zit?  They kicked you out because you have a zit!?

Valerie:  The A-squad is known to be flawless.  If anyone ever found out, it could be disastrous.

Jane:  But it's a zit!  Everyone else gets them.

Valerie:  But the A-squad isn't everyone.  We're supposed to be perfect.

Jane:  Says who?

Valerie:  Well…Melissa for one.

Jane:  Melissa isn't the official decider of beauty, is she?  You can't let her push you around.

Valerie:  It's not that easy.  I mean, she's the original A-squad cheerleader.  I got in because I buddied up to her.  She's the most popular girl at Raft.  Anyone who stands in her way is toast.

Jane:  She already kicked you out.  What else can she do?

Valerie:  I know Raft is supposed to be this great, diverse college, but it's not the way it appears to be.  It's like high school, only worse.  The professors jump down your throat if you correct them and the popular, pretty people rule the school.  They can have whoever they want kicked out.  Especially because Melissa's father is the dean.

Jane:  Wow.  I didn't know college sucked as much as high school.

Valerie:  Well, it does.  I got into Raft on a scholarship.  I can't botch it.  There's no way my family could afford to send me here otherwise.  If I get kicked out, I'm finished.

Jane:  I'm sorry.  

Valerie:  It's okay.  So, what brings you to Boston?

Jane:  Well, I'm going to BFAC midterm and I got this gallery gig.  I'm kind of an artist.

Valerie:  Really?  I've always wanted to get out and do something like that.  Can I see some of your work?

Jane:  Better yet, you can assist me in my next task: Re-doing my apartment.

(Valerie smiles and her eyes get wide.)

SCENE THIRTEEN

INT: Lawndale High auditorium.

(Quinn, the Three Js and about twenty other people sit on the stage.  Mr. Paully, a balding man in his late forties, stands in front, giving instructions.)

Mr. Paully:  I want to thank you all for coming out to join the drama club.  I know it's not the most popular, but it is the most dramatic.

(He chuckles at his own joke.  The students remain stone faced.  He notices and stops, clearing his throat.)

Mr. Paully:  Now, we'll be performing William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet".  Are you all familiar with that play?

Class: (deadpan) Yes/Uh huh/Sure, etc.

Mr. Paully:  Wonderful!  I want the girls to form one group while the guys join another.

(The students disperse.  Quinn looks like the most pumped-up there.  She sits down in her group and turns to a bored-looking girl next to her.)

Quinn:  I hope I get a good part.  Not one of those small ones like Lady Capulet or Peter.

Girl: (rolling her eyes) You actually bothered to read the play?

(Quinn frowns.  Mr. Paully comes over to their group.)

Mr. Paully:  Who'd like to read first?

(Quinn glances around at her almost-dead peers and raises her hand.)

Mr. Paully:  Great!

(He hands her a script.)

Mr. Paully:  Why don't you read Juliet's lines at the balcony?

(Quinn clears her throat.)

Quinn:  Romeo, oh, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?  Deny they father and refuse thy name.  Or if thou whilst not, be but sworn my love and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

(She looks up and sees Mr. Paully's bewildered expression.)

Quinn: It was bad, wasn't it?  I'm sorry.  Can I try again?

Mr. Paully:  Yes, please do.  Keep reading.

Quinn:  Um, okay.  (Reading) Tis but they name that is my enemy.  Thou are thyself, though not a Montague.  What's Montague?  It is nor hand nor foot nor any part belonging to a man.

(Camera cuts to the guys' group.  Joey's ears perk up.)

Joey:  Hey, that's Quinn!

Jamie:  You're right!

Jeffy:  Wow.  She's really good.

(Cuts back to Quinn.)

Quinn:  So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection which he owes without that title.  Romeo, doff thy name; and for that name which is not any part of thee, take all of myself!

(The guys erupt into applause, with the Three J's cheering loudly.  Quinn looks surprised.)

Quinn:  You like me?  You really, really like me?

Mr. Paully:  Quinn, I'd like you to play Juliet in our production.

Quinn: (at a loss for words) But…but you haven't heard anyone else yet.

Mr. Paully:  I don't need to.  You were wonderful.

Jeffy:  Whoo!  Go Quinn!

(Quinn blushes.)

Quinn:  But who's playing Romeo?

The Three J's: Me!

Mr. Paully: (casually) Oh…uh, that blonde kid.

Jamie:  Yes!

Jeffy: Hey, no fair.

Joey:  Yeah!

Mr. Paully:  The black-haired guy can be Tybalt and you (pointing to Jeffy)-

Jeffy: Me?

Mr. Paully:  Yeah, you.  You'll be Mercutio.

Jeffy:  No!

(Joey snickers.)

Joey:  Dude, you're gonna be a gay guy. (Member "Lucky Strike?")

Mr. Paully:  I can see it now…

(He lifts his hands into the air to create an invisible marquee.)

Mr. Paully: Romeo and Juliet, starring Quinn and Jamil!

Jamie:  It's Jamie.

Mr. Paully:  Whatever.  Come opening night, you'll be the next Julia Roberts, America's sweetheart!

Quinn:  Ew!  You mean you want me to stick a hanger in my mouth?

Mr. Paully:  Uh…never mind.  But you will bring glory to the name Lawndale High!

Jamie: (to Joey) Do you think he's related to Ms. Li?

(Quinn smiles.  Shakira's "Ready for the Good Times" plays.)

ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCREEN: Valerie glares at a cowering Jane as Shakira's song plays.

LEVI'S SUPERLOW JEANS:  Am I the only one who gets annoyed by these ads?  I mean, okay, so if we wear the pants we can sneak into a secret operation's headquarters and steal a car or dive underwater and hold our breath for five minutes?  Maybe I'm taking it too seriously, but I think they're about the dumbest commercials ever.

SORORITY LIFE:  "On this episode of "Sorority Life", some more crap happens."  Okay, I give you permission to kick me.  I got hooked on this show one boring Saturday morning.  I dunno why, but I like it.  It's filmed at UC Davis, where my cousin attends classes.  I get to visit her in October so I'm really looking forward to it.  Maybe I'll see some of the places on the show.  Anyway, I think it's pretty neat, but why is everyone so damn pretty?  I mean, are we to believe that everyone there is super-model beautiful?  It's false advertising if you ask me.

MTV ON VH1:  Who the heck decided to do this?  I mean, MTV is annoying enough on its own.  We don't need it on three channels.  I caught Pink's "Don't Let Me Get Me" on Making the Video last week.  It's an old episode, I think, but it was so weird to see it on VH1.  I thought VH1 was the only music channel that didn't play all crappy pop, rap and hip-hop. 

WE'RE BACK WITH MORE DARIA…

SCENE FOURTEEN

INT: Another Raft classroom

(Daria shuffles in, a little late, an unhappy look on her face.  The guy ahead of her has his back turned and opens the door for her.)

Guy:  Here, go ahead.

(Daria looks up from the floor and we finally see his face.  He's none other than David Sorenson, Quinn's former tutor.)

Daria: (not recognizing him) Uh, thanks.

David:  Anytime.

(He smiles at her and sits down towards the middle of the room.)

Daria: (a little late) I…um…

(She blushes scarlet and sits down in one of the front row seats.  Cue No Doubt's "Underneath It All", which plays in the next scene too.)

SCENE FIFTEEN

INT: Daria and Jane's apartment

MONTAGE: "Underneath It All" by No Doubt

(Since everything is still packed, the living room is bare.  Jane stands in the middle of the room, forming a box with her fingers in front of her.  Valerie stands to the side, eagerly gripping a paintbrush.  After a moment, Jane gives Val a thumbs up.  Both take their paintbrushes, dip them in the deep blue can of paint a couple feet away from Jane and pretty much attack the wall in a manic moment of inspiration, Val more so than Jane.  Jane gives her a surprised and quizzical look.  Val just blushes.)

(Cut to a while later, the wall is about one third painted.  Jane sits on the floor, rubbing her aching hand.  Val's face brightens up and she jumps from the floor, launching into a cheer.  Jane's eyes go wide and she motions for Val to stop wildly, to no avail.  Jane sighs and decides to grin and bear it.)

(Jane and Val continue painting.  The walls are almost all the way covered in blue paint.  As they paint, Jane gets a funny look on her face.  She looks over at Val, who's singing the No Doubt song.  Jane just shrugs, giving her a weird look, and goes back to painting.)

(A while after that- the walls are fully painted.  Jane stands on the left side of the wall we can see the most [the one the couch will sit in front of], using a smaller brush to make intricate designs in yellow.  She's in the middle of painting an abstract human figure when Val taps her shoulder.  Jane looks over to where Val's pointing excitedly and shakes her head when she sees Val's childlike picture of a stick-figure cheerleader and the words "Go Raft Cavaliers!".  She shakes her finger, as if saying "tsk tsk", and takes her big paintbrush dipped in blue.  She holds it out to Val, who disappointedly takes it and paints over the words and cheerleader.)

END MONTAGE

(But No Doubt's song doesn't come to a halt until the next scene.)

SCENE SIXTEEN

INT: The living room

(Jane and Val stand in front of the wall, admiring it.  A few twirls and figures grace Jane's side while stars are on Val's side.  The last bit of the song fades.)

Jane:  I think that's it for today.

Val:  It looks really nice.  Thanks for letting me help.

Jane:  No problem.  I'm always eager to take a student under my wing.  And it's not finished either.  Feel free to swing by whenever.  We can add a little more every day.

Val:  Thanks again.  I can tell I'm gonna have a lot of free time.

Jane:  Welcome to my world.  Or is it my hell?

(Val smiles.)

Jane:  Anyway, whadda ya say we give our brains a rest and watch some mindless TV?

Val:  Sure!  Um, would you mind if I made a suggestion?

Jane:  As long as it doesn't have the words "girl", "creek" or "heaven" in the title, it's fine by me.  The TV's in the hall.

(They walk into the hall and pick up the TV.)

Val:  Well, the other cheerleaders never watched it.  They said it was…icky.

Jane: (intrigued) Really?  Why?  Did someone with blonde hair wear black mascara?

Val:  No.  I mean, I don't think so.  It's kind of a tabloid show.

(They set the TV down in the living room.  Val plugs it in and Jane grabs to remote and turns it on.  The screen is filled with snow.  Jane frowns and heads back over to adjust the antenna.)

Jane:  You wouldn't be talking about-

(The screen flickers and the picture becomes clear.  A woman in a suit stands in front of a black backdrop.  The "X-Files" theme plays.)

Woman:  In the mood for more than just the same old paranormal crap all the other channels play?  Want to know the real truth?  Then watch the Sick Sad World marathon, next on Channel 6, Boston's Best.

(Val's eyes are glued to the screen.  She takes a step back and tries to sit down, expecting the couch to be there.  She plops down on her butt.  Jane smirks.)

Jane:  The couch is still in the hall, genius.

Val: (sheepish) Oh yeah.

SCENE SEVENTEEN

EXT: Morgendorffer house

Quinn:  You're not gonna believe this!

INT: The kitchen.

(Quinn walks into the kitchen where Jake is stirring boiling water in a large pot.  Helen's standing off to the side, talking to Eric on her cell phone.)

Helen:  Can it wait, sweetie?  I'm in the middle of an important phone call.  (A bt.)  No, Eric, there's no one else trying to call.  (A bt.)  No, I didn't call you sweetie.  (A bt.)  Well, of course we're good enough friends for me to call you sweetie.

(She laughs.  Quinn rolls her eyes in typical "ugh, Mom" fashion.  Jake glares.)

Jake:  She never calls me sweetie, dammit!

Quinn:  Da-ad, watch whatever it is you're cooking!

Jake:  Ack!  Sorry, honey.

(He turns the stove down and goes back to stirring.)

Jake:  So how was school?  Did you have fun with your little model club today?

Quinn:  It's the Fashion Club, Dad.  Fahh- shun club.  And the club dissolved before summer.

Jake:  Oops.  Well, you know how it is when you get older.  Sometimes you get so wise, all the other things you knew just kind of leave your mind.

Quinn:  Yeah, that's great, Dad.  But I have an important announcement.

(She takes a deep breath for effect.  The camera focuses on her.)

Quinn:  I joined the drama club and they-

Helen:  He said what?!  Eric, you're joking, right?

(Quinn sighs.)

Quinn:  Mr. Paully, the drama teacher, decided to make me-

Jake:  Ow!

(Camera zooms out to reveal a lobster clenched onto Jake's finger.  Jake's waving it around wildly.  The struggle goes on for a moment before it lands in the pot.)

Jake:  Damn lobster…

(He looks at his red finger and sticks it in his mouth.)

Jake:  If you're not supposed to remove the rubber bands, why isn't there a warning on them?  Damn grocery store workers…

(Quinn sighs again, frustrated.)

Quinn:  (loudly) I've been chosen to play Juliet in the school's production of Romeo and Juliet!

Jake:  Wow!  That's great, honey!

(He looks down and sees the lobster attempting to crawl out of the pot.  He hits it with his spoon, knocking it back in.  He then shuts the lid.)

Jake: (grumbling) Damn grocery store workers with their damn lobsters without any damn warning labels…

Quinn:  Dad, lobsters are so gross.  They're all messy and besides, they scream when you cook them.  If that's not inhumane, I don't know what is.

Jake:  They scream?  How come I've never heard one?

Quinn:  You've never heard it?  Ooh, it's disgusting.  Tiffany's dad was cooking one and it screamed so loud, her mom came running in, asking if we were watching a slasher movie, which is totally retro.  I mean, why would we want to see B-actresses running around getting chopped up?  It's, like, ew.

(Quinn shudders.)

Jake: (Angry, going red-faced) Dammit, no lobster's going to scream for old Jakey.  Oh no, Jake Morgendorffer's not good enough for your pitiful cries.  Just like I wasn't good enough to be a normal kid.  Well, I've got news for you, Dad, I am normal, dammit!  

Quinn:  Da-ad, remember?  High blood pressure?

Jake:  That lobster's gonna have high blood pressure when I'm done with it!  I'll make you scream!

(He opens the pot and reaches in to grab the lobster.  He sticks his hand in the water and screams, burning his hand.  Quinn leans her head on her hand and sighs.)

SCENE EIGHTEEN

INT: Daria and Jane's apartment that night

(Daria comes in through the main door, looking tired.  The White Stripes' "Fell In Love With a Girl" plays.  She sets her backpack down in the hall and clomps into the living room where Jane and Val are watching "Sick, Sad World."  Camera focuses on the screen.)

SSW Announcer:  Are rock stars really blood-sucking vampires hell-bent on making teens mindless zombies?

(On screen, backstage at a concert, the members of Blink 182 pounce on a fan with a VIP pass around his neck.  The fan screams and struggles for a moment, but they overpower him, going for his neck.  Screen switches to "Sick, Sad World" logo.)

SSW Announcer:  Alanis assaults her fans…next on "Sick, Sad World!"

Daria: (standing in the doorframe to the living room) Well, that's a first.

(Jane and Val turn around, now noticing her.)

Jane:  Hey, Daria.  I wasn't sure when your classes ended.

Daria:  Just a little while ago.  (looking oddly at Val)  Uh, don't mind me, but what the hell is a cheerleader doing in here?

Jane:  Oh, you mean the no cheerleaders rule was already in effect?

Val:  I'm not really a cheerleader.  Not anymore, anyway.

Jane:  Her squad kicked her out. (whispering) She has a zit.

Daria:  They kicked her out for that?!

Jane:  Yeah, apparently, college sucks even worse than high school.

Daria:  I already figured that one out earlier.

Jane:  Bad day?

Daria:  That's putting it lightly.

(She walks into the adjoining kitchen and is about the open the fridge.)

Jane:  Oh, I never actually got around to buying anything besides paint.  Wanna go out for a pie?

Daria:  Does Quinn hang out with the Fashion Fiends?

(Jane rolls her eyes and turns to Val.)

Jane:  Hey, Valerie.  Daria and I are gonna go grab a pizza.  You wanna come?

Val: (glued to the TV) Who's Daria?

(Daria and Jane share a look.)

SCENE NINETEEN

INT: Junior 5

(Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy are browsing the racks, pulling random items off.)

Sandi:  This is so much nicer without Quinn here to criticize us.

Tiffany:  Uh, Sandi…

Stacy:  Quinn never criticizes us.  You do.

Sandi:  Geez.  Gang up on me, why don't you?

Stacy:  We're not ganging up on you.

Tiffany:  We were just saying that Quinn-

Sandi:  Yes, yes I heard.  Well, I'm sure Quinn's having fun with her little geek foray.

Stacy:  Why did you change your mind about her joining the drama club anyway, Sandi?

Tiffany:  Yeah.  The drama club is like…ew.

Sandi:  Don't you guys see- it'll make Quinn look geeky.

Stacy:  I still haven't figured out how that's a good thing.

Sandi:  Look, Quinn's the most popular girl in school, right?

Tiffany:  Even more popular than me?

Sandi:  Yes, Tiffany.

Tiffany:  I can't believe it.

Sandi:  If Quinn becomes a geek, then who do you think will be the most popular?

(Stacy and Tiffany look thoughtful for a moment.)

Stacy:  Um…us?

Sandi:  That's right, Stacy.  With Quinn out of the way, we'll be the ones getting the most attention at Lawndale.

Tiffany:  Whoa.

Stacy:  So you told Quinn to join so you could elevate yourself?

Sandi:  Insidious, isn't it?

Stacy:  Sandi, that's not a very nice thing to do.

Sandi:  So?

Stacy:  I can't believe you'd take advantage of a fellow former Fashion Club member.  It's so…so…mean.

Tiffany:  Yeah.  Sandi, tsk.

Sandi:  See, you are ganging up on me!

Tiffany:  What?

Stacy:  Well, Sandi, if you're going to treat Quinn like that, maybe we should.

(Sandi's jaw drops, shocked at Stacy's rare show of assertiveness.)

Sandi:  Excuse me?

Stacy:  I said, if you think it's okay to trash Quinn like that, maybe Tiffany and I should gang up on you.

Tiffany:  Stacy, I didn't agree to that.

Stacy:  Well, you should.  It's just not right what Sandi did to Quinn.

Sandi:  Geez, Stacy.  If you're going all weird on us.  I thought we were friends.

Tiffany:  Yeah.

Stacy:  I thought so too.  But friends don't trash other friends.  As far as I'm concerned, you can keep your stupid friendship, Sandi!

(Stacy tosses a dress at Sandi and storms off.)

Sandi:  I've never seen Stacy act like that.

Tiffany:  It's probably her time.

SCENE TWENTY

INT: The diner.

(Daria, Jane and Val are seated at a booth.  Daria's still a bit uncomfortable about Valerie being a cheerleader and sitting with them.  Jane shoots her a reassuring smile as they sip on sodas and share a pie.)

Daria:  So then, Professor Brown gets all bitchy at me just because I know the answers and no one else does.

Val:  Yeah, she can be that way sometimes.  I remember last year when I told her my name was Valerie and not Nellie.  She screamed at me and mad me cry.

Daria: (eyebrow raised) You took the Edgar Allan Poe class?

Jane:  Valerie's here on a scholarship.  The cheerleader thing's just an act.

Valerie:  Actually, she teaches a poetry class too.  

Jane: You're kidding.  Is there nothing this witch can't do?

(Daria shoots her a look.  Jane gives her an apologetic glance.)

Jane:  So, besides the first teacher, was there any upside to this day?

Daria:  Well…there was this one guy.

Jane:  Ooh, a guy.

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

Daria:  Don't read anything into it.  He's in my Russian History class.  I was kinda late for class and he held the door open for me.

Jane:  Did you get his name?

Daria:  No.  What do I look like?  Quinn?

(Silence.)

Daria:  Don't answer that.

Jane: (smirking) Daria, you and Quinn are as different as the movies "Ben-Hur" and "American Pie." 

Daria:  You've seen them?

Jane:  Remember when the house was sprayed for roaches during the summer?  Trent and I stayed at Jesse's. His family has cable.

Daria:  Well, that certainly makes up for the bugs in the shower.

Jane:  I'll say it does.  A whole week of sexy teen movies for free while Spiral "practiced" is way better than sitting around, waiting to be inspired.  The movies actually did that for me.

Daria:  I'm not even gonna ask.

Jane:  But seriously, Daria, did he smile at you?

Daria:  Um…

Jane: (raising an eyebrow) Daria?

Daria: (quietly) I think so.

Jane:  And you're sure you wore a bra to school today?

Daria:  Jane!

Jane:  Daria, I think this guy's into you.  Either that or he's an incredibly friendly, nice guy who just happens to like opening the door for every other lower classman.

Daria:  Well, I'm placing my bets on the latter.

Val: (who's been listening intently) Jane's right, Daria.

Daria:  Excuse me?

Val:  I'm sorry to butt in, but I know Raft guys.  They don't just "offer their services" to anyone.

Daria:  Look, you wouldn't want me discussing your love life.  I'm just asking you to grant me the same privilege.

Val:  Sorry.  I'm just a meddler.

Daria:  I noticed.

(Val stands up.)

Val:  You know, I think I have a paper to work on.  I'll see you guys later.

(She half-smiles and heads out the door.)

Jane:  Gee, Daria, could you be anymore friendly?

(Daria frowns and stares down at her plate.  Linkin Park's "In the End" plays.)

SCENE TWENTY-ONE

INT: Quinn's room.

(Quinn is lying on her bed, stretched out with a bored look on her face.  Several [gasp!] school books sit on the floor by her backpack and binder.  The clock on her nightstand reads 9:50.  After a moment, she sighs and picks up the phone.)

SCENE TWENTY-TWO

INT: Daria's room in the apartment.

(Daria sits at her now unpacked desk, reading "War and Peace."  There comes a knock at the door.)

Daria:  No one's here.

(Jane opens the door, holding a cordless phone.)

Jane:  Somebody wants to talk to you.

(Daria looks surprised, but gets up and grabs the phone.)

Daria:  Hello?

(Screen splits to show Quinn on the other end of the line.)

Quinn: (uncomfortable) Uh, hey, Daria.

Daria:  Quinn?

Quinn:  Why are you so surprised?

Daria:  Probably because for the past three years you've been calling me your distant cousin.

Quinn:  Geez, Daria.  Who twisted your panties in a knot?

(Daria sighs.)

Daria:  I never thought I'd say this to you, Quinn, but I'm sorry.

Quinn: (confused) For what?

(Daria raises an eyebrow.)

Daria:  Uh…never mind.  So, how's life with the Oblongs?

Quinn:  Mom's on the phone with Eric all the time and Dad's trying to make a lobster scream.  The usual.

Daria:  I figured.   I can't believe I'm going to ask this, but…anything new with you?

Quinn:  Yeah.  I joined the drama club.

(Daria's eyes go wide.)

Daria:  Excuse me- did you just use the words "drama club" and "I" in the same sentence?

Quinn:  Don't act so surprised, Daria.  I mean, god, I was only in the Fashion Club for three years.

Daria:  Why exactly did you join the drama club, anyway?  There wasn't some hidden fashion drone motive, was there?

Quinn:  Okay, I'll admit I did it at first to get back at Sandi, but Mr. Paully says I have a knack for this kind of thing.  He already cast me as Juliet in the play.  It's kind of…um, neat to be exposed to new stuff.  I mean, if we just did the same junk every day for the rest of our life and were really closed minded, where would we be?  We have to be open to new things…

(She freezes up, knowing she's just spilled a lot to her sister.  Daria gets a guilty look on her face.)

Quinn:  I mean, that's what I'm told.

Daria:  Um, Quinn…not that I don't find this incredibly fascinating, but I have to go.

Quinn:  Oh.  Okay, Daria.  Uh, see ya.

Daria:  Bye.

(She hangs up the phone.  Screen reverts to normal.  Daria sits for a moment, thinking.  She picks up a piece of paper from her desk and dials a number.)

Daria:  Hello?  Valerie?

SCENE TWENTY-THREE

INT:  Quinn's bedroom, a few minutes later.

(Quinn is in her pajamas, just about to turn off the light when her phone rings.  She picks it up.)

Quinn:  Hello?

(Screen splits so we can see Stacy on the other line.)

Stacy:  Hey, Quinn.

Quinn:  Hi Stacy.  What's up?

Stacy:  Nothing much…listen, Quinn.  I, erm…

(She mumbles something.)

Quinn:  You what?

Stacy:  I wanted to join the drama club.

(Quinn smiles as Jump 5's "Spinnin' Around" starts to play.)

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR

INT: Daria's room.

(Daria sits at her desk, writing a letter.)

Daria: (VO) Dear Mom, Dad and Quinn, you asked me to write every week, so I figured I may as well get started early.  Today was my first day at Raft College and my first impression was that it was a hellhole worse than Lawndale.  However, for once in my life, it seems I stand corrected.  Jane's already made friends with an ex-cheerleader- I know.  I couldn't believe it either.  She's started painting the extremely dull walls already, trading in their off-white milky color for midnight blue.  While one of my professors doesn't meet my expectations, my British Tragedies teacher excels in my book and someone even noticed me today.  Valerie, the cheerleader, is actually the opposite of what I picture cheerleaders to be, for the most part.  She's here on a scholarship, so she has to have at least a few brain cells in her head.  The only thing wrong was…well, me.  I kinda acted like a…rhymes with work…to her.  I admitted it and I feel a little better, as hard as that is to believe.  I guess sometimes not being so judgmental is a good thing.  But don't expect me to think that way forever.   See you in a few months, Daria.

(Daria signs her name and smiles her little half-smile.)

ROLL END CREDITS (To the Counting Crows' "American Girls.")

**THE END**

Whew!  That took a while!  Anyway, I don't feel like writing a really long reflection on this chapter.  I just wanna say that this wasn't a very fun chapter to write.  I'm pretty much kicking myself now for introducing Josie and Valerie (Get it?).  But trust me, they won't become Mary Sue characters.  They're just scenery.  However, a couple overlooked characters will come to light.  Well, one is over-used in Jane fiction, but she'll be different here.  Anyways, time for thank yous!

Thanks to…

Kara Wild for inspiring me and letting me use her commercial hell idea.

Jamie for being the best beta reader and freakin' friend ever.

Jimmy Fallon for being so goddamn funny.  Listening to his CD inspired me to finish this.  Don't ask why. J

Look for "Jane and the Pussycat", out soon!


	3. Jane and the Pussycat

"Is It Season Six Yet?" by Miss Pataki

Episode Three: Jane and the Pussycat

A/N:  Just finished writing episode two and I'm already working on three.  How's that for an over-achiever?  Heh heh.  Just kidding.  "Adjust This" was particularly…dull to write.  I think my favorite parts were writing the FC's parts and the montage to a song I love.  Not TOO much shipper stuff in that chapter, but it worked.  Yes, David and Alison will have parts in this fic.  David makes an appearance in this chapter and Alison enters the story sometime later.   I haven't exactly decided as the order of stories may change drastically.  I don't want to put out the holiday episodes too early or late.  Anywayz, thank you very much for reviewing and reading.

Disclaimer:  I do not own Daria or the songs used in this work of fiction.  I don't even pretend to.

--

**DARIA**

in

**"Jane and the Pussycat"**

SCENE ONE

INT: The diner.

(Jane sits alone at one of the booths, drinking a cup of hot chocolate.  A plate of now-cold toast sits in the center of the table, a plate at either side.  She stares out the window, looking bored.  The door opens and Daria rushes in, carrying her backpack.)

Jane: (brightening up) Hey!  I thought maybe you hadn't-

Daria:  Can't talk.  Late for class.

(She grabs a piece of toast and rushes out the door.)

Daria:  Thanks for breakfast!

Jane: (mumbling) Sure.

(Cue "Tom's Diner" by DNA and Suzanne Vega.  She studies her hot chocolate for a moment before taking a sip.  When she looks up to take a swig, we see from her point of view.  Just above the cup rim we see Valerie standing next to the table, smiling.  Cut back to normal camera.  Val's wearing a violet mini-skirt and a pink halter [her normal outfit].)

Val:  Hi, Jane.  What's up?

Jane:  Oh, the same.  I'm being stalked by three different people.  You?

(Val laughs and slides into the booth on the opposite side.)

Jane:  Want some toast?  I was supposed to meet Daria here for breakfast, but she was late for class.

Val:  Sure.  But I can't stay long.  I have to meet with one of my professors at nine.

Jane:  Val, it's 8:50.

Val:  What!?  Oh god, I'm gonna be late.

(She stands up and jams a piece of toast in her mouth.)

Val:  I'll come over later, okay?  See you!

(She runs out the door.)

Jane:  Bye.  God, is this "be late for everything" day?

(She frowns and pulls out her wallet.  A few folded bills sit in the old wallet.  A white butterfly flies out.)

Jane:  I think I need some more cash…

(She pulls out a couple dollars and places them on the table.  As she stands up, she notices a sign posted on the wall, reading "Waitress Wanted."  The screen blurs and goes to her imagination.)

SCENE TWO

INT: the diner.

(Jane, wearing one of those crappy 50's style waitress uniforms with her hair done up, waltzes up to a table of cheerleaders.)

Jane: (perky) What'll it be?

(The cheerleaders take one look at her and burst out laughing.  Jane blushes bright red.  She turns to Val, who's standing in front of her.)

Val:  Jane, what are you wearing?

(Val starts to laugh.  She laughs so hard tears come rolling down her cheeks.  Jane blushes harder, if that's possible.  Just then, the door opens and Tom and Daria walk in with Trent.  Jane notices that Tom has his arm around Daria.)

Daria:  Jane, did I tell you I got back together with-

Trent: (seeing Jane) Whoa.

Tom:  You look like a…

Daria/Trent/Tom: Sell-out.

(The three begin chanting it, as do Val and the cheerleaders.  Suddenly, the room starts to spin as Jane tries to plug her ears.)

SCENE THREE

INT: The diner, back in reality.

Jane: Nah.

SCENE FOUR

INT: Lawndale High.

(Stacy and Quinn are walking through the hall.)

Quinn:  I talked to Mr. Paully and he said it was totally fine if you wanted to join the cast.

Stacy:  Wow!  Thanks, Quinn.  That was really nice of you.

Quinn:  I know.

Stacy:  I just hope I can memorize all my lines.

Quinn:  Don't worry.  Jamie already said he'd write down all my lines on cue cards.  I'm sure he wouldn't mind doing that for you too.

Stacy:  You are such a great person, Quinn.  It's easy to see why all the guys like you.

Quinn:  Well, not all the guys…

(She motions with her head to a sad-looking Kevin standing by his locker.)

Stacy:  I wonder what's got him down.

Quinn:  He probably misses Brittany.

Stacy:  Don't we all.  She was so…perky.

(She and Quinn smile and walk on.  Camera focuses on Kevin as he opens his locker.  Inside, he grabs a book and stops to look at a picture of him and Brittany from his parents' barbeque [Mart of Darkness].)

Guy [Chris]: Hey, man.  You okay?

(Kevin turns around to face Chris, who's pretty tall and looks like he could be Hawaiian.)

Kevin: (faking happy) Sure, man.

Chris:  Just checking.

Kevin:  Aw, c'mon, have a little faith, bro.

Chris:  I do, but coach doesn't.  He wanted to make sure you knew what time practice was.

Kevin:  That's easy.  Six o'clock.  Right after "The Simpsons."

Chris:  No.  Three-thirty, right after school lets out.

Kevin:  That's what I said.  Four-thirty.

Chris:  Just go to the field after the last bell rings.  And wear your uniform this time.

Kevin:  Whatever you say, man.

(Chris walks off.  Kevin turns back to his locker, a sad look on his face.  Cue "Blurry" by Puddle of Mudd.)

SCENE FIVE

INT: A hall at Great Prairie State.

(Brittany is walking alongside one of the cheerleaders [Pick one.].)

Cheerleader [Jenny]: So what class do you have next, Brittany?

Brittany: (reading her schedule) Acting One-Hundred and One.  Wow!  I must be so good they put me in the advanced class!

Jenny: (faking a laugh) Yeah, advanced…

(They near a classroom.)

Brittany:  Well, here's my class.  See you later, Jenny.

Jenny:  You too, Britt.

(Brittany enters the classroom and is immediately welcomed by a man with dirty blonde hair who appears to be in his late thirties, wearing a brown suit.)

Man:  My, my, my.  Who do we have here?

Brittany:  My name's Brittany Taylor.

(He takes her hand to kiss it.)

Man:  To what do I owe the pleasure?

(Brittany concentrates on his face for a moment.)

Brittany:  You owe me something?  I don't recognize you.  Did you teach at Lawndale High?

Man: (laughing) You crack me up, Brittany.  I'm Professor Lennon.  You know, you could really go far in this class.

Brittany:  Thanks.  But I can't go until you let go of my hand.

(He laughs and lets go of her hand.  As she walks off, he watches her, a funny look on his face as Kylie Minogue's "Can't Get You Out of My Head" plays.)

SCENE SIX

INT: Lennon's classroom.

(Lennon stands in front of the class, holding up a script.  Everyone has a copy of the script on their desk.)

Lennon:  Welcome to Acting 101, where we'll be learning to act better through experience.  The first play we'll be reading is Antigone.  Now, who would like to volunteer to read the lines for our heroine?

(Several girls raise their hands.  Brittany doodles something with a feather pen, not noticing anything.)

Lennon:  Miss Taylor, why don't you read for Antigone?

(A girl with brown hair puts her hand down and "hmph"s angrily.)

Brittany:  Huh?  Um, did I volunteer?

(Lennon laughs.)

Lennon:  Start us off at the prologue, please. (pointing to the brown-haired girl) Oh, and you can play Ismene, Miss…Miss…

Girl [Aimee]: Echo.

Lennon:  Yes, Miss Echo.  Now, Brittany, will you begin?

Brittany:  Sure! (In a dramatic voice) Ismene, sister, mine dear own sister, knowest thou what ill there is-

(She wrinkles her nose.)

Brittany:  No one told me we were reading Shakespeare.

(Aimee rolls her eyes.)

Aimee:  Actually, it's Sophocles.

Brittany: Ohhhhhhhhhh, Sophocles. (A bt.)  Who's Sophocles?

Aimee: (raising her hand) Professor Lennon?  Maybe I should read for Antigone.

Lennon:  Well, Miss Echo…

Brittany:  No, I can do it.  I just need to…um, adjust to this style of drama.  Now, where was I?  (Dramatic voice) Knowest thou what ill there is, of all bequeathed by  O…by Op…by Oped…

Aimee:  It's Oedipus, Brittany.  ED-ih-pus.  Get it?

(Brittany's lower lip quivers.)

Lennon:  Aimee, that's quite enough.

Aimee: (fake) Sorry for the interruption, Professor Lennon.  I just thought she could use my help.

Lennon:  Well, thank you, Miss Echo.  May we continue now?

Aimee: (flashing him a smile) Go ahead.

SCENE SEVEN

EXT: Lennon's classroom.

(Brittany exits the room.  Aimee stands in her way, her hands on her hips.)

Aimee:  He's only nice to you because you have big boobs.

Brittany: (confused) What?

Aimee:  If I were you, I'd be careful.

(She stomps off.  Brittany looks after her quizzically.)

Brittany:  Gee, I wonder what's wrong with her.

SCENE EIGHT

INT: Daria and Jane's kitchen.

(Daria opens the fridge and finding nothing inside, shuts it.  Jane sits at the counter, drinking a glass of water.  Daria's backpack sits on the counter.)

Daria:  We really should buy some food.  Pizza can only go so far.

Jane:  Bite your tongue.

(Daria frowns and opens up her backpack, pulling out a candy bar.)

Jane:  Geez, if you're going to protest by eating sugar, I guess I could go shopping.

Daria:  I'm not protesting.  I'm fueling myself for the rest of the day.

Jane: (raising an eyebrow) Is that what they're calling it now?  Actually, I was serious about the shopping thing.

Daria:  You're kidding, right?

Jane:  Nope.  I think I'm gonna get a job.

Daria:  But you've got the gallery job.

Jane:  Yeah, but I need something else to do with my time.  Believe it or not, I don't want to lie around the house like Trent.

Daria:  That's understandable.  So what did you have in mind?

Jane:  Whatever I can get.  Except nothing in the food services.

Daria:  Well, that narrows it down to twenty billion.

Jane:  At least I know I have plenty of options.  And it's not like it's permanent.  It's just til I start at BFAC.

Daria:  Good point.  Well, whatever you feel like doing, as long as you stock up on groceries before the Apocalypse.

Jane:  I can't make any promises, but I'll try.

(They smirk.)

SCENE NINE

INT: Shops at the Prudential Center

(Jane is standing in the middle of the Terrance Food Court, looking over a map.)

Jane:  Okay, Janey, if you're going to be humiliated working, you might as well do it somewhere where everyone you don't know can see you.  Now, where to start…

(Camera shows the map, which looks harder to read than hieroglyphics [It really does.  I checked.].)

Jane:  Well, maybe if I could read a damn thing…

(She frowns and crumples up the map before tossing it into a trash can.)

Jane:  I'll just wing it.

SCENE TEN

EXT: Whipporwil Crafts.

(Josie and the Pussycat's "Pretend to Be Nice" plays.)

INT: WC.

(Jane stands at the counter, talking to the manager, a blonde woman wearing a clean, pressed white blouse and navy skirt.)

Jane:  I just figured that as an artist, I could really help out at Whippor- what kind of name is that, anyway?

Manager:  Excuse me?

Jane:  What does it mean?  Does having a weird name bring customers in?  

(The manager frowns.)

EXT: The Museum Company.

("Pretend to Be Nice" still plays.)

INT: TMC.

(Jane stands near the entrance way, talking to a sales associate.  He has brown hair and wears khakis and a white shirt.)

Jane:  See, the Museum Company looks a little boring.  I think you could use someone with youthful enthusiasm.

(The associate shakes his head.)

INT: Papyrus, a stationary store.

(Jane talks to a woman behind the counter.)

Jane:  I'm very people-oriented.  I love people.  I mean, the smart ones.

INT: Claire's, a teeny bopper type store.

(A blonde girl in her late teens 'talks' to Jane as she prepares to pierce a young girl's ears.)

Jane:  I never actually pictured myself working in a preppy store like this, but I think I could pierce ears.

Girl: (uninterested) Uh huh.

Little Girl: (to Jane) How many piercings do you have?

Jane:  Three, but those are just the ones I can show in public.

(The sales girl's eyes bulge as the little girl gets a funny look on her face.)

INT: Dapy, a Spencers-like store.

(A man with bright blue spiked hair stands behind the counter, his arms crossed as Jane tries to reason with him.)

Jane:  I really like this store, really.  It's just too…spontaneous.  Does that make sense?

INT: Software, Etc.

(A scrawny guy listens to Jane from behind the register.)

Jane:  Um, I don't know a lot about computers.  But I try hard.

Guy:  Oh, that's okay.  But you will have to follow a certain dress code.

Jane:  You mean like white shirts?

Guy:  Yeah.  Except they should be tight.

Jane:  Well, that's no-

(Her eyes bulge.)

Jane:  See ya.

SCENE ELEVEN

INT: Terrance Food Court.

(Jane sits alone at a table, looking very blue.)

Jane:  Okay, so nobody hired me.  But at least they took my résumé.  

(She frowns.  A girl in her twenties approaches her and hands her an orange flyer.)

Girl:  Rough day?

Jane:  You could say that.  What's this?

Girl:  There's a new pet store down by Saks Fifth Avenue.

Jane:  People don't kid when they say the most important rule is location, location, location.

Girl:  You should check it out.  You might find something you like.  Besides, you'd be helping someone.

Jane:  Who?  The furry little animals?

Girl:  The shop owners.  They'll be out of business by next week.

(Jane smirks.)

SCENE TWELVE

INT: Kevin's room.

(Kevin's lying on his bed, flipping through a copy of Sports Illustrated.  All around him, things litter the floor.  He probably hasn't cleaned in years.  Suddenly, he looks up.)

Kevin:  Didn't I have something to get to?  (Realizing) Oh no!  Practice!

SCENE THIRTEEN

FOOTBALL FIELD

(Kevin comes running onto the field.  It's dark outside, around ten.  Sade's "King of Sorrow" plays.)

Kevin:  Um, hello?

(A beat.)

Kevin:  Oh, man, I missed it again.  This never would've happened if Brit was here.  I could just follow her since she always came to watch.  This sucks.  I guess I should face it.  I'm nothing without her.  If only I wasn't so dumb.  Maybe then I could be at Great Prairie State with her.  Aw, Brit…

(He collapses on his knees and looks up at the sky.)

Kevin:  Babe!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCREEN: The associate at Claire's freaks out while the little girl looks strangely at Jane while Sade's song plays.

"Next week on Daria…Daria gets locked in the library…"

(Daria sits on the floor next to a big bookshelf, rolling a ball of rubber bands back and forth as U2's "Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of" plays.)

"And what is Jane doing?!"

(Jane and Tom are sitting on her and Daria's couch.  Jane has her arms crossed across her chest.  Suddenly, Tom pulls her into a lip lock.  Her eyes bulge for a moment.)

"It's all in the next new episode of Daria!"

A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MTV:

(Scene from the VMAs, with Jimmy Fallon imitating Eminem's "Without Me".)

Jimmy: (singing) This looks like a job for me so everybody come and follow me.  'Cos this is your one chance to see some music played on MTV!

(Picture freezes.  A magical, disembodied voice speaks.)

Announcer:  We at MTV would like to inform you that in no way do we confirm or deny Mr. Fallon's claims.  Just because we're called Music Television does not mean we must show music videos, though we do.  In fact, let's roll one right now.

(Plays about ten seconds of the end of Puddle of Mudd's "She Hates Me."  Picture freezes.)

Announcer:  See?  Now, back to Real World Twenty-Two: Mission Hill.

SWIMF@N: Made it to number one on box office charts.  "Wanna pretend it never happened?"  Yes, despite the fact that Jesse Bradford is incredibly good-looking, I do.  Is there no room for quality movies in this country?

NOW, BACK TO DARIA…

SCENE FOURTEEN

INT: Daria and Jane's apartment.

(Camera focuses on the TV screen.)

SSW Announcer: Kittens.  Cute and fuzzy, right?  Wrong!

(On screen, a woman bends down to pet a calico kitten.  The cat hisses and jumps onto the woman's face.  Screen switches to "Sick, Sad World" logo.)

SSW Announcer:  What happens when you don't clean out the litter box, next on "Sick, Sad World!"

(Camera switches to Daria sitting on the couch.  We hear the front door open and Jane comes into the living room, carrying a red box with a handle.  Daria looks at her watch.)

Daria:  Tsk, tsk.  An hour past your curfew.  What's your excuse?

Jane:  But he was really, really cute, Mom!

Daria:  I'm sure he was, but that's no excuse for bringing home a really ugly- what's in the box?

Jane:  Don't freak out.

(She opens the box and pulls out a gray kitten.  Daria's eyes go wide.)

Daria:  Eep!

Jane:  What's wrong?  He's just a furry little thing.  

(She picks him up and holds him above her head.)

Jane: (cute voice) Yes, you are a little furry thing, aren't you?

(The cat stares back at her, a vacant expression on its face.)

Daria:  Excuse me while I go puke.

Jane:  Aw, c'mon, Daria.  Don't tell me you've never had a pet.

Daria:  And you have?

Jane:  We had a goldfish once.  I was just a baby.  Mom hadn't explained to Trent that Goldfish crackers don't swim.

Daria:  It's a wonder you never got anymore pets.

Jane:  Wind had a dog when I was three.  Her name was Lady.  Boy, Wind loved her.  He used to feed her his peas from under the table and take her for walks as soon as he got home from school.  But she ran away one day.  Wind cried for days.  You know, for a while, I thought maybe Lady had something to do with his relationship problems.

Daria:  You don't say.

Jane:  Penny's got her bird Chiquita though.  That worked out.  Dad always said we were alike.  So I don't see why this can't.

Daria:  Um…

Jane:  Daria?  Do you have something to say?

Daria:  It's not important.

Jane:  Spit it out, Morgendorffer.

Daria:  Since you insist.  I was merely going to point out that literally every relationship with someone outside your friends and immediate family has failed.

Jane:  Like what?

Daria:  Bobby Big-head.

Jane:  I never loved him anyway.

Daria:  Evan.

Jane:  Hey, I was merely going on looks.  It's not my fault he was a jerk.

Daria:  Fine, Nathan.

Jane:  I'd prefer it if you didn't mention that.

Daria:  Too late.

Jane:  Okay, so you know a couple relationships where I didn't hit it off with guys.  So what?

Daria:  I'm just saying.  You need to be in it for the long haul if it's going to work.

Jane:  Daria, it's a cat, not a freaking boyfriend.

Daria:  Good point.  Let's just forget I said anything, deal?

Jane:  Deal.

Daria:  Just don't be alarmed if you hear a thump and a yowl during the night.  That's just me kicking it off my bed.

Jane:  You sure know how to build up trust, Daria.

Daria:  I do what I can.

SCENE FIFTEEN

INT: The apartment the next day.

(Jane is sitting on the couch, playing with the cat, otherwise known as Goya.  Her easel sits on the right side of the couch.  Goya sits on the left cushion of the couch, looking annoyed as Jane dangles a toy in his face.  B*witched's "C'est La Vie" plays.)

Jane:  C'mon, Goya.  Don't you want the mouse?

(Seeing that she's not winning, Jane pets him.  Goya yawns.  Jane observes him.)

Jane:  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to stick your finger in there?

(Daria enters the room, carrying a soda.)

Daria:  Thankfully not.  Hey, was there by any chance something you forgot to do yesterday?

Jane:  Don't think so.  Why?

Daria:  There's nothing but Whiskas and Vanilla Coke in the fridge.

Jane:  Oh yeah.  Shopping.  I'll do it as soon as I get a job or some more money comes in from the gallery.

Daria:  So…sometime before the next presidential election?

Jane:  That's what I'm hoping.

(Daria pulls out her wallet and in turn pulls out a bill.)

Daria:  If I give you this, will you go right now?

(Jane stands up and grabs the bill.)

Jane:  Now, what was it you wanted?

Daria:  Anything edible.  That excludes anything with the label "fat free."

Jane:  Got it.  Watch Goya while I'm gone.

(She exits.  Goya lifts his head up from the couch and looks straight at Daria.)

Daria:  What do you want?

(Goya meows.  Daria sighs and sits down on the couch.)

Daria:  There.  You sit on your side; I'll stay on mine.

(Goya meows again and stands up.  He walks over to Daria and rubs up against her arm.)

Daria: Oh no you don't.

(She gently shoves him away.  Goya hisses at her.)

Daria:  Look.  I don't like you and you don't like me.  But let's try not to kill each other when Jane's around, okay?

(Goya stares up at her.)

Daria:  God, I've had this conversation before.

(Goya yawns and jumps down from the couch.  He walks off screen.  Daria watches him.  After a moment, she wrinkles her nose.)

Daria:  I am not cleaning out your litter box.

(A hiss comes from off-screen.  Daria sighs.)

SCENE SIXTEEN

INT: Lawndale High cafeteria.

(The Three J's are sitting with Quinn and Stacy at a table.  Tiffany and Sandi sit at the table next to them.  Sandi glares at Quinn and Stacy.)

Stacy:  Quinn, Sandi's making her lizard face.

Quinn:  Just ignore her.  She's just jealous.

(Camera switches to the opposite table.)

Tiffany:  I think they're talking about us.

Sandi:  They're just jealous because they finally see what a waste of time acting is.

Tiffany:  Oh, right.

(Camera goes back to the other table.)

Jamie:  And then she says, "Take out?  I thought we were gonna make out!"

(The Three Js laugh.)

Joey: Hey Arnold is such a funny show… [What?  I had to do some promo for it sometime. ;)]

Jeffy:  Yeah, I like that kid with the football head.  He cracks me up.

(Kevin comes over to their table, a nervous look on his face.)

Kevin:  Uh…can I talk to you guys?

Quinn:  Sure.

Stacy:  Do you need some advice?

Kevin:  No offense, but it's more of a guy thing.

Quinn:  Oh, okay.  Well, don't mind me and Stacy.  We always eat in silence.  Over here.  Away from you.

Kevin:  Thanks.

(He sits down next to Jamie.)

Jamie:  So what's up, Kevin?

Kevin: (faking) Oh, nothing… (Breaking down) I miss Britt!

(He starts to bawl.)

Joey:  Don't worry.  You'll find someone else.

Jeffy:  Yeah, I bet Brittany already has.

(Kevin bawls harder.)

Jeffy:  What'd I say?

Kevin: I need…*SOB*…a soda.

(Stacy hands him hers.  He looks at it.)

Kevin:  Diet?

(He starts to sniffle.)

Stacy:  Trust me.  It's good.  And there's no sugar.  Just Nutrasweet.

Kevin:  Um…okay.

(He takes a sip.  He pauses for a moment before taking another sip and many more.  Cue Duncan Sheik's "On a High.")

Quinn:  Um, Kevin, you're drinking that pretty fast.

Kevin:  It's good.  I feel…happy.

(Stacy and Quinn exchange glances.  Kevin finishes it and tosses the can onto the floor.)

Kevin:  Thanks, Britt.  I feel much better.

(He burps and stands up.)

Stacy:  I'm not Brittany.  I'm Stacy.

Kevin:  That's what I said, Sandi.  Anyway, see you later.

(He wanders off.)

Quinn:  Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

Stacy:  I hope he doesn't drink too much.  I heard that Nutrasweet stuff can act as a drug.

Quinn:  I bet it's just a rumor.

Stacy:  You're probably right. Well, now I need another soda.  I only got one sip.

Jamie:  I'll get one, Stacy.

Stacy:  Um, thanks, Jamie.

(She smiles.)

SCENE SEVENTEEN

INT: Lennon's classroom.

(Brittany stands up at her desk, reciting Antigone.  Lennon is leaning on his desk.  Aimee is frowning as usual.  "I'm Right Here" by Samantha Mumba plays.)

Brittany: You will remember what things I suffer, and at what men's hands because I would not transgress the laws of heaven.  Come, let us wait no longer.

(Brittany smiles and sits down.  Aimee groans.)

Lennon:  Very nice, Miss Taylor.  You've improved quite a bit from last time.  Now, let's go back to Scene Three.  What have we learned about Haimon, Creon's son?

(Aimee raises her hand.)

Lennon:  Yes, Miss Echo?

Aimee:  Haimon is your typical man stuck in a teenager's body.  He's very passionate about his future bride and Creon's decision about Antigone's fate.

Lennon:  That's correct, Aimee.

(Brittany raises her hand.)

Lennon:  Something you'd like to add, Brittany?

Brittany:  Haimon's a suck-up.

Lennon:  How so?

Brittany:  Well, he loves Antigone and when he hears his father sentenced her to death, he butters Creon up by talking about what a great king he is.

Lennon:  Nice observation, Miss Taylor.

Aimee:  Hmph.

Lennon:  We'll continue the play tomorrow.  I want you to read the last two scenes for homework and be ready to discuss the basic elements of drama inscribed in the play as a whole.  There will be a test.

(Everyone groans.)

Lennon:  Now, once we get the test out of the way, we will be performing Antigone for a select group of high school students from various schools.  Everyone needs to find a monologue to perform so I can properly select someone for each role.  Sound okay?

(Silence.  Aimee looks annoyed.  Brittany looks like her normal perky self.)

Lennon:  Good.  I'd let you out early, but I'm not sure what Dean Faris would think of my teaching skills.  There are quite a few monologue books on my bookshelf in the back, so I suggest you use your time wisely and flip through them. (A bt.) You know what to do.  Get to it.

(The students get out of their seats and head toward the bookshelf.)

Lennon:  Miss Taylor, can I speak with you?

Brittany:  Eep!

(She walks over to him, looking freaked.)

Brittany:  Is something wrong, Mr. Lennon?

Lennon:  Oh, no.  Nothing's wrong.  In fact, everything's just fine.  You see, Brittany, you're my most promising student in this class.

Brittany:  Really?

Lennon:  Definitely.

Brittany:  Wow.  No teacher's ever said that to me before.

Lennon:  So that makes me your first?

Brittany: (not understanding) I guess it does.  Anyway, is that all you wanted to tell me, because I need to ask you what a monologue is.  Everyone else seems to know, but for some reason, I've never-

Lennon:  A monologue is a short, one person play.

Brittany:  Ohhhhhhhhhh…

Lennon:  Now, Brittany, everyone else is picking their monologue and you're welcome to do so, but I did have one in mind for you.  It fits you like a glove.

Brittany:  What kind of glove?  I hope it's not the furry, wintery kind.  Those itch.

Lennon: (ignoring her comments) Unfortunately, I forgot to bring it with me today.

Brittany:  That's okay.  I can get the glove next class, right?

Lennon:  Actually, I think you should get as much time to memorize it as possible.  Maybe you could come pick it up at my apartment at –say- eight o'clock?

Brittany:  That sounds fair.  But I don't know where you live.

Lennon:  I'll give you my address.

(He takes a piece of paper and scribbles his address down on it.  He thrusts it into Brittany's hand and then turns to the class.)

Lennon: (loudly) That's enough for today.  We'll keep discussing Antigone next class period.

(The students exit the room.  Once she's in the hall, Brittany opens the piece of paper.  On it is scribbled, "Apartment 88, Nicoliss Apartments.  Eight o'clock.  Wear red."  Brittany's face swivels into a confused expression.  Aimee reads the note over her shoulder and smirks.)

Aimee:  Tell us all if he's boxers or briefs tomorrow.

(Brittany gets an even more confused look on her face.)

SCENE EIGHTEEN

EXT SHOT OF "Slausen's Market."

INT: Slausen's.

(Jane is standing in line with a basket full of various groceries.  She has an annoyed look on her face, waiting for the clerk to finish up with the four people in front of her.  Behind her is David.  The clerk is ringing up a woman in her twenties.  He rings up a box of crackers.)

Clerk:  Fat free?  You don't need that.  You should go for the real thing.

Jane: (muttering) You'll be puking it up later anyway.

(David smirks.)

Woman: (blushing) Well, I…

Jane:  Should slap you in the face for taking so damn long.

David:  Annoyed?

Jane: (turning around) You could say that.

(The line moves up as the blushing woman is now gone.  A sixteen year old girl now takes her place, buying a pack of gum and some magazines.  The clerk holds up one featuring the flavor of the week Britney impersonator.)

Clerk:  You should be on the cover, not her.

Jane:  Though I'd rather see you on the cover of Maxim.

David:  Do you always act cynical or is this a special occasion?

(The line moves up.)

Jane:  It's more a hobby than an attitude.

(David holds out his hand.)

David:  I'm David Sorenson.  I go to Raft.  What school do you go to?

Jane:  I'm entering BFAC mid-term.  Jane Lane.

(She shakes his hand.)

David:  Don't you have some work on display at Joseph Antonio's gallery?

Jane:  Yeah, but I didn't know he put it up already.

David:  Hm.  Artist and Cynic.  A real Renaissance woman.

Jane:  You should meet my roommate, Daria.  She kills you with sarcasm from the moment you talk to her.  But she's a great writer.

David:  Daria?  Daria Morgendorffer?

Jane:  Yeah.  How'd you know?

David:  We've got Russian History together at Raft.

Jane: (a mischievous look in her eyes) You don't say… 

COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCREEN: Kevin bawls at Quinn's table while "On a High" plays.

COM. BREAK- MOVIE VERSION

CHARLIE'S ANGELS 2: HALO- Anyone else looking forward to this movie?  I didn't think so.  I really like the first movie and I can't wait to see the sequel.  I liked Cameron Diaz's character best at first, but now I think I like Alex (Lucy Liu) better.  She's quite an actress and I think she thrives in action movies.

TUCK EVERLASTING- If you're a fan of the book and you've seen the commercials for this movie, chances are, you're none too happy the way Disney's making it all a romance.  An interview with Alexis Biedel revealed that she considers the movie to be a romance and action movie.  If Disney was striving for accuracy to the story, they sure as hell didn't get it.  This story is not about Winnie's passionate first love with Jesse.  The girl is eleven for crying out loud.  And no, I don't consider it action.  It's much more of a drama.  The only major action I can remember is Tuck shooting the man in the gold suit.  Perhaps the break out of the jail is action, but I don't think so.  What do I think the movie is really about?  A girl who can't stand to be cooped up inside her house with stifling parents, a girl who is very headstrong and doesn't like taking orders, who gets a new perspective on life by seeing it through the eyes of those who have (highlight to read) immortality.  This is not freaking Dawson's Creek.  It's a story of life and death, not fiery, burning love.

BARBERSHOP-  Anyone seen this?  From what I've heard, it's pretty funny and has some good morals.  I'm hoping to catch it while it's still in theaters and if not, when it comes on video.  Eve and Cedric are in it, so all the more reason to check it out.  I think the only thing stopping me from seeing it is language.  I'm generally not a fan of movies that use the f-word more than once (And Eve6 is my fave band.  Go figure.), though there are exceptions.  I love "All the President's Men" for instance.  And I eagerly await seeing "Ghost World" and "The Royal Tenenbaums."  So I guess there's really no reason for me not to see Barbershop.  It sounds like a good popcorn flick, something I could really use.

MORE DARIA NOW…

SCENE NINETEEN

INT: Daria and Jane's apartment.

(Daria is in the kitchen on the phone.  In the background, we hear Jane coming in.)

Daria:  So, um, call me back whenever you can.  It's important.  What the hell- it's urgent.  You don't realize what I'm dealing with.

(She hangs up just as Jane enters the kitchen carrying two bags of groceries.)

Jane:  Who was that?

Daria:  Wrong number.

(Jane raises her eyebrow but lets it drop.)

Jane:  So…did you and Goya have fun?

(Daria looks at Goya who's looking at her from the couch.  Cue Garbage's "Shut Your Mouth".  Daria's eyes bulge as she imagines him lunging at her.)

Daria:  Um…yes.  We had a…wonderful time.  You got a package today.

Jane:  I'll open it later.

(She starts putting groceries away.)

Jane:  Guess who I ran into at the store.

Daria:  Fidel Castro.  No, Ms. Li.

Jane:  What's the difference?

Daria:  None whatsoever.

Jane:  Anyway, what does your mystery guy look like?

Daria:  Mystery guy?

Jane:  You know, door boy?

Daria:  Um…well, kind of tall, glasses, brown hair-

Jane:  Ding ding ding!  We have a match.

Daria:  Say what?

Jane: I met him at the store.  Apparently, he's seen my work at the gallery.  He likes art.  That automatically gets him to the top of the list in my mind.

Daria:  Did he ask you out?

Jane:  What?  No.  He likes you.  By the way, yellow is a brighter color than gray.

Daria:  Okay.  So you met him.  So what?

Jane:  So I said he should come by and see you sometime.

Daria:  What?!

Jane:  I don't see what the problem is.  He's a nice guy, Daria.

Daria:  So is Tom.

Jane:  Must thou keep pulling that card?

Daria:  Sorry.  But why would you do that?  You know I don't do well with people.

Jane:  I know, but I couldn't resist.  Placing you in embarrassing situations with guys is more fulfilling than I remembered.  It's been too long since I forced you to get up early to help out Trent.

Daria:  So now you've successfully moved on to inviting guys I haven't said ten words to over.  You know, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Jane:  I know.  But for the moment, Janey's denying all addictions.  Now, where's the can opener?  Goya needs his din-din.

(Daria grimaces.)

SCENE TWENTY

INT: Locker room.

(The Three J's are clustered around Kevin who has a dreamy expression on his face.  Cue Melissa Lefton's "Sunnyville".)

Joey:  Yo, Kevin.  

Jamie:  You better get moving before coach yells at you.

Jeffy:  And this time it won't just be about leaving soap in the shower.

Kevin:  Dude, let it go.

(He grabs a can of diet soda and starts chugging.)

Jamie:  Kevin, that might not be such a good idea.

Kevin:  Just cool it.  It's no sweat.  I could drink a hundred of these.

Jeffy:  You already have.

Kevin:  Oh yeah.

(He burps.)

Joey:  Diet soda's not very good for you.  It's got something bad in it.

Jamie:  Oh yeah.  That carbon stuff, right?

(Joey shrugs.)

Kevin:  I know it looks bad, but when I drink this stuff, I don't think so much about Britt at Great Prairie.  I feel happy.

Jeffy:  Well, if it'll make you stop whining…

Joey:  I'd get out of here if I were you, Kevin.  Coach'll bite your head off if he sees you like that.

Kevin: (stumbling to his feet) Bite my head off?  Maybe then the birds in my brain can fly away…

Jamie:  Ms. Barch called you a bird brain.  She didn't say there were really birds in there.

Kevin:  Hm…bird brain…

(He stumbles out the door and almost bumps into Stacy and Quinn.)

Stacy:  You almost broke my concentration!

Quinn:  It's okay, Stacey.  The nurse is an easy part.  Are you okay, Kevin?

Kevin:  Sure, babe.

Stacy:  Ew!  You smell like Diet Cola.

Quinn: Kevin, have you been drinking?

Kevin:  Just a few cans…It's just to keep my mind off Brittany.

Quinn:  Would she want you drinking diet soda obsessively?

Kevin:  Don't tell me how she'd feel.  If I wanted her opinion, I think I'd ask.

(He stumbles off.)

Quinn:  Where are you going?

Kevin:  Anywhere but not here.  Wait…is that right?  Oh well.

(Quinn and Stacy watch him go with concerned looks on their faces.)

SCENE TWENTY-ONE

EXT: Apartment number 88 in Nicoliss Apartments.

(Brittany stands outside the door, wearing a bright red button up shirt and red plaid skirt.  She knocks once on the door and Mr. Lennon opens it, wearing a blue robe.)

Lennon:  Brittany, come in.

Brittany:  Thanks.

(She enters.)

Brittany: Gee, that's a neat outfit.  Is it for, like, when we study Japanese kahooki plays and stuff?

Lennon:  Um…yes.

(Inside the apartment, the curtains are drawn and the room is lit only by numerous candles.  On one side is the TV and sofa.  On another is the door to the bedroom.)

Brittany:  Oh!  You're one of those people that doesn't believe in electricity, aren't you?

Lennon:  On the contrary, electricity is always important to me.

Brittany: (twirling her hair) So, like, do you have the…um…monotone thingy?

Lennon:  Brittany, it's not often that I find myself with a student of your…stature.

Brittany:  You're a sculptor too?

(He laughs.)

Lennon:  Would you mind if I put some music on?

Brittany:  As long as it's not stuffy old people music like the Beach Boys or U2.

(Lennon pops a CD into the player next to the TV on the stand.  Within a moment Zero 7's "Destiny" begins to play.  Brittany sits down on the couch.  Lennon sits down next to her.)

Lennon:  I think you could go very far in this class, Brittany.  Maybe even all the way.

Brittany:  All the way to what?

Lennon:  Oh, come on, Brittany.  You know what I'm talking about.  You, a charming, beautiful student.  Me, a handsome, experienced professor.  Do the math.

Brittany: But I thought this was acting.

Lennon:  Well, since this IS acting, play along.

(He places a hand on her leg.  She looks down at it, confused.  He moves forward and kisses her.)

Brittany:  Mmph…this is just acting, right?

(He kisses her some more for a moment and begins to move even farther forward, moving his hand further up her leg.  After a moment, she slaps him in the face.)

Lennon:  Ow!

Brittany:  Sorry, I forgot we were just- hey!  You were trying to get my skirt off, weren't you?  You…you…you big jerk!

(She slaps him again and heads out the door, slamming it.)

SCENE TWENTY-TWO

INT: Brittany's dorm.

(Brittany flops herself down on her bed, crying and letting her mascara flow.  She mumbles something inaudible about Lennon.)

SCENE TWENTY-THREE

INT: Morgendorffer house, living room.

(Quinn is sitting on the couch and a pad rests in her lap.  With a jaded expression on her face, she channel surfs on the TV.  As Helen passes by from the kitchen, Quinn sighs.)

Helen:  Something wrong, Quinn?  You skipped right past the Boys R Guys video.

Quinn:  Huh?  Oh, no.  I just don't know how to write to Daria.

Helen: (trying to contain her delight) Writing to your sister, really?  Have you tried talking about what's going on at school?

Quinn:  That's the problem.  I think someone I know needs help, but I don't know how to help them.  Daria's…you know, depressing, so I figured I could talk to her about how I could help this depressed person.

Helen:  It's not Stacy, is it?  That poor girl's taken more than her fair share of crap from Sandi.

Quinn:  No, Stacy's fine.  It's Kevin who has a problem.

Helen:  (sitting down) The quarter back?  Why would that be?

Quinn: He misses Brittany, who's at Great Prairie State and he's stuck repeating senior year at Lawndale.  And the other day when he was depressed, Stacy gave him a diet soda.  Ever since them, he's been going through them like they were metabolizer pills.

Helen:  I see.

Quinn:  It's really bad for him and everyone knows but nobody ever does anything about it.  I don't know if it's because they're lazy or they just don't know what to do, but either way, it frustrates me.

Helen:  Have you tried talking to your school counselor about it?

Quinn:  Our school has a counselor?

Helen:  Set up an appointment and tell him or her exactly what you told me.  They'll know what to do.

Quinn:  But what if they make Kevin go to rehab or military school or something?

Helen: (raising a finger to her lips) Don't mention military academy when your father's home.  I doubt any of those things will happen, but even if you don't get to talk to your counselor, I'm sure Kevin and Brittany will sort this out on their own time.

(She heads upstairs.)

Quinn: (looking a little better) Thanks, Mom.

SCENE TWENTY-FOUR

INT: Kevin's room, morning.

(Kevin wakes up in his bed, holding his head.  Pink's "Just Like a Pill" plays.)

Kevin:  Man, what happened…

(He looks around and sees that his room is pretty much flooded with diet soda cans.)

Kevin: (sadly) Look at me.  I'm just another really hunky QB who turned to diet soda to make himself feel better.  And what am I after it?  A not hunky at all addict with a room full of Ultra Cola and a full bladder.  I'm never gonna get over Britt like this.

(He stands up and grabs a sack lying on the floor.  Slowly, he begins to pick up the cans and puts them in the sack.)

SCENE TWENTY-FIVE

INT: Lawndale High the next day.

(Quinn is at her locker putting a book in her backpack, talking to Stacy.)

Stacy:  Wanna take a look at the scenery for the play so far?

Quinn:  Sounds good, Stacy.  I just need to drop by the counselor's office first.

Stacy:  The counselor!?  Quinn, I know Sandi's shutting us out but now is no time to get depressed and think of hurting yourself or someone else.  (Shaking Quinn) You have to fight it, Quinn!

(Quinn pushes Stacy away.)

Quinn:  It's okay.  I'm not going for me.  I'm going for- Kevin!

Stacy: (confused) Kevin?

(Just then, Kevin walks by, whistling and with a smile on his face.)

Kevin:  Hey Quinn.

Quinn:  Kevin, what happened?  I thought you were obsessed with diet soda.

Kevin:  I used to be.  But not anymore.  Diet soda is only for losers.

(Stacy starts to stutter.)

Quinn:  He didn't mean us, Stacy.  We're the exception.

Stacy:  Phew.

Quinn:  I'm glad you think so, Kevin.  I don't think Lawndale would be the same without the resident simple-minded jock.

Kevin:  Thanks!

(As he heads off, Quinn turns to Stacy.)

Quinn: I'm beginning to understand what Daria means when she calls Kevin "brain dead."

Stacy:  Why?  Because his brain's, like, dead?  Like it doesn't work?

Quinn:  Um, never mind.

SCENE TWENTY-SIX

INT: Brittany's dorm.

(Her cheerleader roommate is pounding on the bathroom door.)

Cheerleader:  Britt, honey, you've been in there all morning.  I really need to shower.  My hair's losing its bounce.

Brittany: Sorry, but I need to make sure I look unique and very pretty today.  What do you think?

(The door opens and Brittany enters the dorm, looking exactly the same as usual, with one minor exception.)

Cheerleader:  Um, no offense, Britt, but what's changed?

Brittany:  My necklace!

(She points to the large, gaudy necklace Kevin gave her in "Mart of Darkness.")

Cheerleader:  Ohh…

Brittany:  And now, I'm afraid I have business to attend to.

(She strolls out of the room, leaving the cheerleader to scratch her head, wondering what's going on.)

SCENE TWENTY-SEVEN

EXT: Lawndale High.

(Kevin and the Three Js are walking towards the parking lot.)

Jamie:  Do you want a ride home, Kevin?

Kevin:  No thanks.  I'll just walk.  I have…uh, stuff to think about.

Jamie:  See ya then.

(They walk off.)

Brittany:  Kevie!

(Kevin turns to see Brittany running towards him.)

Kevin:  Brittany!

(He starts to run towards her in slow motion.  Cue "Nobody Wants to Be Lonely" by Ricky Martin and Christina Aguilera.  When they meet, it switches back to real time as they embrace.)

Brittany:  Oh, Kevie, it was terrible at college!  One of my teachers tried to take off my skirt!

Kevin:  Babe, I missed you so much I started drinking loser soda!

Brittany:  From now on, we call each other every day and get together every weekend, babe.

Kevin:  Sounds good to me, babe!

(Music continues into the next scene.)

SCENE TWENTY-EIGHT

INT: Daria and Jane's apartment.

(Jane is painting a picture of Goya on her easel in the living room.  He's curled up at one side of the couch, grooming himself.  Jane sets down her paints and watches him as he continues, undisturbed.  Suddenly, he yawns.  On a whim, Jane sticks two of her fingers in his mouth.  He clamps down on them.  Music immediately switches to "Smooth Criminal" by Alien Ant Farm.  Jane's eyes bulge and she yelps.)

Jane:  Let go off me right now, Goya!

(Goya clamps down harder.  Jane tries to yank her hand up, but he comes up along with it.)

Jane:  God, are you going for most vicious kitten of the year?  Let me go!

(He bites down very hard and she yelps again.)

SCENE TWENTY-NINE

INT: Diner.

(Daria and Jane are enjoying a pie.)

Daria:  So you finally figured out what it felt like.

Jane:  Unfortunately. (Holding up her bandaged hand) And look what it got me.

Daria:  Where's Goya now?

Jane:  Back at the pet store.  The owner's little girl seemed pretty pleased when I thrust him into her arms with this huge marshmallow on my arm.

Daria:  I bet she trained him to bite people.

Jane:  You're probably right.  One thing's for sure:  He was not a good cat.

Daria:  I know what you mean.  I should have said something earlier about it, but I didn't want you to get mad.  I know you can be kind of touchy when I mention how I dislike your significant other.

Jane:  That's putting it lightly.  But I wish you had told me sooner.  Maybe then I wouldn't be eating pizza with my opposite hand.

Daria: (shrugs) Live and learn.

Jane:  Speaking of learning, how was your Raft experience today?

Daria:  Same as everyday.  One good teacher, one smart ass, more than one right answer…one sophomore asking for my number.

Jane: (not thinking) Oh, I figured David would- Wait.  Did you say David asked for your number?

Daria:  Affirmative.   He wants to get together to "study" sometime.

Jane:  Well, look at that.  Just as my relationship is terminated, Daria's starts up.  What a coincidence.  

Daria:  It's not a relationship.

Jane:  Whatever it is, I wonder if it's long or short term.

Daria:  As the Queens of the Stone Age would say, no one knows.

Jane:  Sometimes I think not knowing what's going to happen next is the best part of the otherwise sucky thing called life.

Daria:  Amen.

ROLL END CREDITS TO STRETCH PRINCESS' "You Should've Come."

A/N: Well, it's finally done!  Do you think that took long enough?  Don't worry.  Episode Four won't take nearly as long.  For a long time, I wasn't quite sure where I wanted this chapter to go, which is why I took so long in getting it done.  But it's finally finished and I feel very proud of myself!  It's over!  LOL.  

I'll now address concerns:

Daria's my cousin: Yup, I saw "Lucky Strike."  Yes, I know Quinn told the FC Daria was her sister.  However, it seems to me that she reverted back to her self-conscious attitude in IICY when she disguised herself when Daria was giving her speech.  Obviously, her relationship with Daria is changing and things will be different when I start on Lucky Season Seven and at the end of this "season."

Tom and Jane hooking up:  I know the possibility of anything else between them was very much trashed in the series, but things aren't so from my point of view.  From what I was able to gather from various episodes and sites, Tom maintained a friendship with Jane after their break-up.  So, let's say he's bummed (as we know he was) after Daria dumped him, wouldn't he need a friend to turn to?  I know that when I got dumped, it made me look to anyone for comfort.  Look for a more elaborate story in the next chapter.  Now, since I'm on the topic, I'll explain why there's more to Tom and Jane than meets the eye.  Since the series is aptly titled "Daria", we only really see things from her point of view.  Just about every time we saw Tom and Jane together was when their actions had to do with Daria (i.e. bugging the hell out of her and Tom becoming interested in her.).  We pretty much only saw them after the honeymoon ended and their points of view conflicted.  Since we never saw much before this, we are left to imagine what things were like.  From my POV, I imagine that things went smoothly for a while until Jane started going out of her way to create conflict.  Why this is, we can only speculate.  But I have some ideas of my own.  If you watch Jane's pattern of relationships, none of them worked out and ended quite soon.  While a lot of people claim that breaking up doesn't affect them, for most it does.  I've never met a person who knew that without a doubt he or she had done the right thing by breaking up with someone else.  And while short-term relationships don't cause long periods of self-doubt, they do create some murky thoughts, some of which can be hard to get out of your head.  My guess is that even while Jane knows who she is, that doesn't stop her from doubting about some of her actions.  I am very sure of myself, but that didn't stop my own demons from beating me up after my break-up.  This can be extremely torturous and is not something I like going through by any means.  That said, when Jane realizes her relationship is nearing the end of its honeymoon, it would be natural for her to create a little conflict in order to speed along the break-up process which in turn would speed up the healing process.  She probably did it subconsciously without really thinking that she was destroying her relationship.  Tom obviously doesn't like taking crap, so he did the natural thing to do.  He shifted his focus from his now falling apart relationship with Jane to Daria.  While the blame for their break-up doesn't all rest on Jane, the bulk of it would simply because she was looking out for herself.  She didn't want to undergo a long period of self-doubt.  Tom's attraction to Daria only fueled her more and the looming break-up would have been hard to prevent as both were stuck on something.  Technically, the main factor which caused it was selfishness.  Jane was full-speed ahead on conflict whereas Tom did nothing to work at the relationship.  If anything is to come of them, both have to be willing to compromise and agree to disagree when the situation calls for it.

Look for "It's Been a Summer or Two", up soon!


End file.
